I am sick
Sorry that this post is so long. I have a lot to explain.
I feel sick. I feel ashamed. No matter what I do I can't stop. I know this should be in the 's**' catagory, but it is so strange I felt it should be here. I just don't know what to do. I am an over sexual, over weight (slightly), over emotional, social phobic 21 year old male, currently in college.
I'm in my 3rd year now, and have not going out to hang out with people once. I lock myself in my room and play video games. This is what I like to do, but I feel as though I'm missing out. I'm lonely, but whenever I say I'm going to do something, I get too anxious/nervous and would rather play video games instead.
It wasn't always like this. In highschool I had a lot of friends. We grew up together. I miss it.
What do I do when I get lonely? I m*********. I m********* 3 or 4 times a day, sometimes more. The worst part is that I m********* to horrible things. The topics vary, sometimes they are okay and I m********* like a normal person, but other times my thoughts get violent. I am okay with bad things happening to people, girls getting taken advantage of, exploited, sexually assaulted. Good people getting physically injured and I get off on it..and it makes me sick. I love it, and then when I am finished the urge fades and I realize what I have done. I have no will power to stop.
This has been going on for years. And now in a couple years I'm either going to Grad school if I can get in or I am going to get a job. Both require talking to people and socializing to an extreme. I don't know if I can handle it. I feel like I am overly shy. Simple things like apply for jobs, driving to places in the city, getting on a public bus and not know where it's going..they terrify me and I make sure I never do them. Simple things that ANYONE can do, I can not. I realize part of my problem is self-esteem. I can't even work up the courage to go to a therpist.
These are my problems, and I don't know what to do. I have contemplated killing myself because I would rather there be eternal nothingness than feeling all this anxiety, all the time. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I'm not brave enough to even take that route. I'm not brave enough to do anything. I do think about it though. Sometimes I wonder how easy it would be to overdose on pills as opposed to doing something like..giving a 3 minute presentation in front of my class.
I'm scared. I'm scared because when it comes time for me to finally grow up (I'm 21 and have only had 1 job that a friend got for me, have never had a girlfriend, never been to a real party, never applied for a job, or anything of that nature), I won't be able to do it.
Anything new or different makes me very emotional, anxious, and on the verge of tears. When my father drove me to college for the first time, I puked into a trash bag I was so nervous.
Things like, going to the airport, getting on a plane, traveling, seeing the world, meeting new people..these are things I wish I could do and not be anxious about at all. Right now, however, I can't do them. I just can't. If someone offered me a free trip around the world, all expenses paid plus whatever I wanted to buy, I wouldn't be able to do it.
I don't know how it came to be like this. I just wish it would end. I'd give anything to make the anxiety go away, to be a normal person for once. To enjoy myself in the company of others. To give a presentation and not worry about it WEEKS in advance.
What do I do?