I am sick

Sorry that this post is so long. I have a lot to explain.

I feel sick. I feel ashamed. No matter what I do I can't stop. I know this should be in the 's**' catagory, but it is so strange I felt it should be here. I just don't know what to do. I am an over sexual, over weight (slightly), over emotional, social phobic 21 year old male, currently in college.

I'm in my 3rd year now, and have not going out to hang out with people once. I lock myself in my room and play video games. This is what I like to do, but I feel as though I'm missing out. I'm lonely, but whenever I say I'm going to do something, I get too anxious/nervous and would rather play video games instead.

It wasn't always like this. In highschool I had a lot of friends. We grew up together. I miss it.

What do I do when I get lonely? I m*********. I m********* 3 or 4 times a day, sometimes more. The worst part is that I m********* to horrible things. The topics vary, sometimes they are okay and I m********* like a normal person, but other times my thoughts get violent. I am okay with bad things happening to people, girls getting taken advantage of, exploited, sexually assaulted. Good people getting physically injured and I get off on it..and it makes me sick. I love it, and then when I am finished the urge fades and I realize what I have done. I have no will power to stop.

This has been going on for years. And now in a couple years I'm either going to Grad school if I can get in or I am going to get a job. Both require talking to people and socializing to an extreme. I don't know if I can handle it. I feel like I am overly shy. Simple things like apply for jobs, driving to places in the city, getting on a public bus and not know where it's going..they terrify me and I make sure I never do them. Simple things that ANYONE can do, I can not. I realize part of my problem is self-esteem. I can't even work up the courage to go to a therpist.

These are my problems, and I don't know what to do. I have contemplated killing myself because I would rather there be eternal nothingness than feeling all this anxiety, all the time. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I'm not brave enough to even take that route. I'm not brave enough to do anything. I do think about it though. Sometimes I wonder how easy it would be to overdose on pills as opposed to doing something like..giving a 3 minute presentation in front of my class.

I'm scared. I'm scared because when it comes time for me to finally grow up (I'm 21 and have only had 1 job that a friend got for me, have never had a girlfriend, never been to a real party, never applied for a job, or anything of that nature), I won't be able to do it.

Anything new or different makes me very emotional, anxious, and on the verge of tears. When my father drove me to college for the first time, I puked into a trash bag I was so nervous.

Things like, going to the airport, getting on a plane, traveling, seeing the world, meeting new people..these are things I wish I could do and not be anxious about at all. Right now, however, I can't do them. I just can't. If someone offered me a free trip around the world, all expenses paid plus whatever I wanted to buy, I wouldn't be able to do it.

I don't know how it came to be like this. I just wish it would end. I'd give anything to make the anxiety go away, to be a normal person for once. To enjoy myself in the company of others. To give a presentation and not worry about it WEEKS in advance.

What do I do?

Dec 5, 2010

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  • Everyone has weird thoughts from time to time or even ones they get off to that arent normal. Trust me, Im 36 yrs old and I still have thoughts wonder in and go, where did that come from? I brush it off. You seem to have alot of other issues that are playing onto this one factor. Everyone is right, you need anixety meds. My husband has never gotten help for this and I love him, but to this day he misses out on regular connections with his family, his kids, and sometimes me. I have learned to deal with it and asked for him to get help but as you know, that just causes more bad feelings. Please please, for youself, get help, talk to one person you trust. good luck

  • Sorry, my English isn't very good, but still I would like to say something. You WILL be o.k.! There is nothing really wrong with you and that is the first thing you need to accept. You are a normal person who needs just a little more courage to front the world. Do you know what helped me? When I realized that world does not give a s***. Even if you puked in front of entire college no one would care. There would be a few laughs and that is it. Everybody are so concerned about their own life that they do not pay attention about yours. And that is one thing that you are missing right know. Life. There are people in the world. Even if you m********* on chicken with no legs do you really think it is relevant,that it matters? Masturbation is just another form of escaping for a minute or so in a fantasy world where you don't have to think about your own fears. For example, I live in another continent, in some small country, we are the same age,I am one of the best students on my college, attractive girl who party a lot, but it is like I wrote the story few years back. Yes, there are times when I'm still questioning my self and feeling tired and scared but the most difficult thing I had to accept is that I MISSED doing so much and that we can not return time. So, when you hide and play video games (I watched TV non-stop) the others are outside walking, talking, playing, having s** and overall having a good time. What's stopping you? And one more thing. There aren't NORMAL persons, everybody have something crazy but they are better in hiding it. Oh, I have so much to tell you, so much to share because I went through same thing and I hate when someone is torturing himself for nothing really. Just, little by little find the things you like,start doing them and eventually you would see how everything changes...Some fantasies remains :) I believe in you!!! I really do.

  • You have anxieties. You're not alone. Lots of people do. You can get through this. I know even calling a therapist is a HUGE step! But once you meet with one you can begin to overcome some of these hurdles. Just do that today. Go to your health services office at school and speak with someone. Things will start to fall into place before you know it. The other steps like turning off the video games and talking to people around you..will become easier.

  • hmmmmm working all day or wacking it and playing xbox360? sign me up!

  • You sounds like a run of the mill attention seeking a******, and the fix to that is a swift kick to the nuts. How about getting out of mom's basement and looking for a job and a life.

  • Most of what you're describing is anxiety. Please consider seeing a psychiatrist. There is so much help out there for people like us. Your life will be so much better if you do.

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