The worst mistake

I am so consumed by guilt I can't concentrate on anything.

I am a 33-year-old female with a pretty beautiful life. I have a great partner in my husband. We have our issues but I am so grateful I married him 6 years ago and have never regretted it. Almost 4 years ago we had a beautiful baby girl and though we've had our financial struggles we have since had a lovely little family existence.

When I was younger I was a hopeless flirt. I don't know why and I have always hated about myself that I needed validation from others that I am lovable. I have had inappropriate conversations and flirtatious relationships with men but I have never cheated on my husband... until now. Once a week I get together with my best friend at her house where she lives with her boyfriend. I don't even really like him but I recognize that he has that chemistry I am physically drawn to. Last time I went over there we drank way too much and got into a wrestling match that somehow turned into a threesome. I have never had a threesome or engaged in anything remotely kinky. I would never in a million years have guessed that I would do such a crazy, ridiculous thing. The condom came off during and the following day I nursed the world's worst hangover paired with the numbing fear that I would be pregnant as a result. The boyfriend assured me he did not come and I believe him but now I can't believe I could be so careless with something as precious as my family is to me. It is killing me that I can't tell my husband. I don't know if I could forgive him something like this. How can I look him in the face, sleep in the same bed or any of the other simple things that used to be my life now? I'm ripped apart by guilt and would do anything to undo what I've done.

Is my marriage doomed? Is telling him and risking the future of my happy family the right thing to do? I know it's too late to do the right thing but if there is anything I can do to right my wrong even a little I want to try. If you knew me you would never believe it. I'm a charitable, sensitive good-hearted person who made the worst mistake of her life.

Dec 6, 2010

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  • I agree with the people who say not to tell. Try to put it out of your mind. However, not everyone is monogamous. If you continue to find yourself craving male attention maybe having just one man is not for you. Gently bring up the idea of an open relationship to your husband. He might be okay with it.

  • As a man who has been married for three decades, I agree fully with those comments below that said not to tell your husband. Don't tell friends either. To get it off your chest, tell a counselor or an authority of your religion who is bound by secrecy but who can listen to you cry and console and advise you. Plus: don't get drunk OR go to that friend's apartment which you mentioned.

  • I am a man who has lived through this scenario. If you're positive you'll never do it again, and it can remain quiet,don't tell it. You do need counselling.You have a problem. You're now seeing the results of that problem. Without help, they will continue, and get worse. If you love you're family, get help!My wife, like you, required validation from men. No matter that she was totally enveloped with love, from myself and our children. If another man acted interested, she would have to have s** with him. To prove her worth.Of course, I was not aware of this, or her problem. I became aware, after she was caught. The guy had fallen in love with her, told his wife, then she told me. She begged me to forgive her. I made her leave. We had three small children, that "adored" her. I made excuses like she was having to work out of town for awhile. I agreed to speak with her when I found that she was undergoing counseling. That's how I found out about the other men. It wasn't the s** that hurt so bad, it was the deceptiveness, and lying. Long story short, after many months of counseling, and her begging my forgiveness, I agreed for her to return home. Mainly for the children. I still had such disgust for her. But I would suffer, for my kid's sake. I never thought it possible, but over time, I eventually started feeling something for her....which turned to love again. I do believe in second chances....that was hers. That was 11 yrs. ago. Hopefully, we will never have to go through something like that again. I know there will always be questions as to why it happened. I can't answer that. I know she hates what she did. She has really worked hard to show me. Good luck, on whatever you decide. You're going to need it.

  • You made a mistake!do not tell your husband it will only hurt him. Put the memoryof this into a box in your mind. And close the box! Do not get into that situation again - it was a mistake so just forget it and move on

  • You did what you did and you will have to live with it .Best is to put it behind you and carry on with your life .However you must never never ever tell your husband .You are unhappy about what happened so why do you want to make him unhappy as well?
    I know from experience,my ex wife told me about something similar that she did, and it ruined our marriage for ever .

  • You are a married woman with a loving family but yet you continue living a flirtatious life searching for validation from others that you are lovable and why? weren't you getting that from your husband and family? or you need to visit your friend every weekend and get drunk to find it? you sure don't act like a married woman, I'm sure you've had many chances to think about what your doing but now it's too late. If you want to save your family Don't ever tell your husband what happened. I hope you don't need an abortion because that will be an extra guilt you would have to live with. Don't be selfish and think of the lives you'll be destroying if you confess. Seek help and live with your guilt, you're not the only one with secrets.

  • If you tell your husband, your relationship is over. Do whatever it takes, but don't tell him. Rather have an abortion if you are pregnant.

  • please forget every thing dont ever do it again and dont do the mistake of telling your husband as a man I know how can it hurt him and how can it destroy your family you have accept your mistake let it be with you. only thing you can do to make your mistake is not betraying your husband again.think there is no human in this world who has not done mistakes or who may not do.I wish you happiness as a unseen brother.

  • You are married, you are a grown woman who has made a terrible terrible mistake, now its your responsibility to do the right thing and fess up to what you have done. Your husband does not deserve his wife engaging in behavior that could affect him. Can you imagine on the off chance that this guy had a std and you in turn gave it to your husband? pregnancy isnt the worst thing that can happen from a condom slipping off. It sucks but you made the mistake now you make it right.

  • I don't doubt that you're not a good person, you just did a really bad thing. Look this is life and sometimes we don't make the smartest choices, even when we're smart and know what and how we want to be treated. Something is missing in your life and that's why you stepped out of your marriage. I think you have to do what's right and tell your husband at the risk of what may or may not happen. Of anyone in the world that knows you well..he will. It sounds like you are searching for something.. validation as you said. And maybe you acted on an affair because your husband is not the way that you need him to be. Look an affair is never good. But you could live with the guilt and let it destroy you, or tell him and begin to work things out. Get into counseling immediately. It's a bumpy road whichever path you choose. Good luck to you.

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