A bite of the apple
If you want to talk complexity, welcome to my life. I'm in a real bind here. I have been in a very f***** up state since I was in my late teens and entered college. I dont know if it's a sexuality issue that I'm dealing with or if I'm just a freak. All I know is that my ways need to change fast, or I have to get out of dodge and move the h*** out of the country and become a different person. I am a female, early 30's, and I am only attracted to people I can't have. That is men and women included. I identify myself as straight, but the more and more I live my life I am starting to think that I am bisexual, hopefully not a lesbian. But I'm conflicted. I grew up in a very close minded, judgmental family who is racist and prejudice against all homosexual and experimental behavior. They are just that catholic family where everything has to be perfect... marry someone your own age, same race, have kids and white pickett fence. Well, I've never been that way and I don't think I'm going to be. I have always lived by their rules and have been afraid to ever disappoint them. But my sexual behavior and attraction is strange. I rebelled against my family's wishes without them knowing for many years and it started by sleeping with black men. I've always been attracted to black men and held it in for so long during my teens and finally I gave into passion and started f****** a black guy and then it grew from there. Greatest s** of my life. My family never knew it, and still don't because I can't be open about it with them due to their problem with interracial relationships. So it was this big secret which made it forbidden for me to approach, but I did anyway, and it was hott. I have also slept with a married woman with whom I had an affair with for almost a year. Her husband would be in the living room and I would be with her in the kitchen and I'd get behind her finger her slowly under her skirt while licking her back. I stil remember how sexy it was. I have found these forbidden experiences very thrilling and liberating. And that's the point that I am still at in my life because I am only attracted to the forbidden fruit, the things I can't have or shouldn't have. The excitement over it turns me on so badly and I don't know if I'll ever be able to commit to a nice decent guy because of it. I have many men after me who are kind, sweet, gentle, tender, and everything you can ask for in a guy. They are basically husband material. And I want nothing to do wtih them because they don't give me that excitement of the chase. I love going after girls tho because I know how bad they want me and how hott it could to just mess around and take control of them. I love being controlled by a guy and controlling a woman. And here I am again, back to chasing and flirting with a woman - another married women with whom is my boss and I know she wants me. And I want her so badly. And I don't know what to do with myself because every time I'm around her I just want to throw her up against the wall, rip her shirt open, and suck on her t***, and hear her moan. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and the company I work for is all family based. And I'm close friends with the whole family especially the husband of this woman. But I want her so bad right now. I can taste it ..... just sitting here typing this. She whispered in my ear this morning putting paperwork on my desk and I got wet. So? What the f*** is wrong with me? I'm so confused I'm 32 and can't figure out what to do about these sexual encounters I continue to explore. All I know is that it's fun and hott and parts of me feel so guilty. But the temptation is just too strong and I can't stop myself.