A bite of the apple

If you want to talk complexity, welcome to my life. I'm in a real bind here. I have been in a very f***** up state since I was in my late teens and entered college. I dont know if it's a sexuality issue that I'm dealing with or if I'm just a freak. All I know is that my ways need to change fast, or I have to get out of dodge and move the h*** out of the country and become a different person. I am a female, early 30's, and I am only attracted to people I can't have. That is men and women included. I identify myself as straight, but the more and more I live my life I am starting to think that I am bisexual, hopefully not a lesbian. But I'm conflicted. I grew up in a very close minded, judgmental family who is racist and prejudice against all homosexual and experimental behavior. They are just that catholic family where everything has to be perfect... marry someone your own age, same race, have kids and white pickett fence. Well, I've never been that way and I don't think I'm going to be. I have always lived by their rules and have been afraid to ever disappoint them. But my sexual behavior and attraction is strange. I rebelled against my family's wishes without them knowing for many years and it started by sleeping with black men. I've always been attracted to black men and held it in for so long during my teens and finally I gave into passion and started f****** a black guy and then it grew from there. Greatest s** of my life. My family never knew it, and still don't because I can't be open about it with them due to their problem with interracial relationships. So it was this big secret which made it forbidden for me to approach, but I did anyway, and it was hott. I have also slept with a married woman with whom I had an affair with for almost a year. Her husband would be in the living room and I would be with her in the kitchen and I'd get behind her finger her slowly under her skirt while licking her back. I stil remember how sexy it was. I have found these forbidden experiences very thrilling and liberating. And that's the point that I am still at in my life because I am only attracted to the forbidden fruit, the things I can't have or shouldn't have. The excitement over it turns me on so badly and I don't know if I'll ever be able to commit to a nice decent guy because of it. I have many men after me who are kind, sweet, gentle, tender, and everything you can ask for in a guy. They are basically husband material. And I want nothing to do wtih them because they don't give me that excitement of the chase. I love going after girls tho because I know how bad they want me and how hott it could to just mess around and take control of them. I love being controlled by a guy and controlling a woman. And here I am again, back to chasing and flirting with a woman - another married women with whom is my boss and I know she wants me. And I want her so badly. And I don't know what to do with myself because every time I'm around her I just want to throw her up against the wall, rip her shirt open, and suck on her t***, and hear her moan. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and the company I work for is all family based. And I'm close friends with the whole family especially the husband of this woman. But I want her so bad right now. I can taste it ..... just sitting here typing this. She whispered in my ear this morning putting paperwork on my desk and I got wet. So? What the f*** is wrong with me? I'm so confused I'm 32 and can't figure out what to do about these sexual encounters I continue to explore. All I know is that it's fun and hott and parts of me feel so guilty. But the temptation is just too strong and I can't stop myself.

Jun 15, 2011

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  • you can't have me.

  • instead of exploring what you really want in regard to life and love youre putting yourself in situations that lets you sort of explore your truths while not stepping outside of the lines your parents put around your life. you get involved with people you could never truly be with anyway, so theyre safe, and youre safe from having to finally admit that you can't please your family and community while pleasing yourself. honey, im you...but i got married and settled down with the poster child of my parents dreams. and you know what? all that suppression of my true feelings i engaged in when i was younger has come back to bite me in the ass. so please, its too late for me but not for you...your parents wont be around forever. you know they should love you and support you no matter what decisions you make. they wont and theyre not bad people because of it, theyre a product of their own truths and environment. but trust me, living for them wont sustain you and to be frank, youre not getting any younger. you need to find what makes you happy and make your own life now while you still have all the options in the world. good luck. i hope you find peace with whatever decisions you make.

  • I think you have to get to a place where you stop caring about what your family thinks and go after what you truly want. But that's hard, because even though you don't agree with all of their beliefs, you're still living by their rules. And bottomline, no matter how old we are we all want mommy and daddy's approval. It sounds as though you categorize things as good and bad based on their beliefs, not yours. It may help for you to talk with a therapist. But a lot of the solution lies with you digging down deep to find out what will make you happy and what you want. Then figure out a way curb or stop the behavior, because that's not making you happy either. I almost have a vision in my mind of you telling your parents that your in love and bringing your black boyfriend or girlfriend home to meet your parents. What's that old movie with Sydney Pottier? My Dinner with Andre?

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