I'm a 24 year old guy, and I've been having gay thoughts and fantasies since my early teens. I think it might have to do with the fact that I was raped three times by a male babysitter when I was 8 years old. Anyway, my family and community are very homophobic, so I've kept my gay leanings to myself. I am very emotionally attracted to women though, and I'm currently engaged to an amazing girl who I love very much. But, when we have s**, I'm almost always thinking about men. It's gotten to where I can't even e******** unless I imagine being with a guy or fantasize about the few gay experiences I've had. I've only been with one man (willingly, anyway). We met online, and every few weeks I go on a "business trip" and spend a few days at his house. When he makes love to me, I feel so whole, so complete, but afterward I feel ashamed and dirty. But I keep going back. I'm posting this via my phone. My wonderful fiancee is asleep next to me, and I feel incredibly guilty because as we made love an hour ago, I had to think about my lover c****** in my mouth in order to climax. I hate myself, both for being this way and for lying to the woman I love. I wish I'd never been born.