I Experience Self Loathing
I've had a foot fetish my entire life, and I hate it. It's extremely severe. It is not only a fetish, but an obsession, and it has consumed my secret thoughts since I was a child.
I showed signs of it when I was very young, and my family would laugh at me, but they started calling me weird when my fascination was reoccurring, so I learned to hide and deny my interest in feet, and was indirectly taught that it was very wrong. So I always felt ashamed, like it was my fault, like I was a freak.
Hiding it only caused it to grow in my childhood fantasies. Once I hit puberty, it got even worse, and I started looking at feet lustfully, the way normal boys would look at b******.
Feeling that pathetic dreams of having feet on my face were so far out of reach, I started to m*********, which developed into a daily practice, and eventually an addiction.
I've prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take away my fetish and replace it with normal desires for the female body. That's all I want, is to be normal in that way. Whenever I'm married, my wife deserves better than a man who dreams about licking the dirt off of other women's feet. It's awful, it's pathetic, and I can't even believe it myself. I hate myself, after I've masturbated to the lowliest videos of people licking feet. How absurd! How disgusting! I don't believe that I'm actually like that!
After I've peaked and the sensation has left, I push away those thoughts of nasty feet that suddenly gross me out. After the sensation is gone I am genuinely not interested in feet at all and want them to be no where near my face! But give me an hour or so and suddenly they will become appealing again. Isn't that messed up?
My girlfriend knows I like her feet, but I am in love with her, and most of the time I'd rather be hugging her than to be at her feet. But occasionally, now that we've been dating for years, I'll suck her toes, and she likes that.
But she has no idea that I'm secretly obsessed with feet... she has no idea that I'm addicted to masturbation, and find it difficult to go 2 days without cranking one out.
It's become a mess inside my head. And all I want is to be rid of the addiction, be rid of the obsession, and look at her, and only her, the way she deserves. I am a disgusting human being, though I am certain that only God and I truly know that.
In others' eyes, I'm a great guy. Loyal, trustworthy, honorable, and responsible, and loving. But in my eyes, I hate it when they think those things, because I know the truth. I feel like I'm a master of lies because I've hidden this so well... it has been the deepest and most upsetting secret I've ever kept, and I hate it. Which is why I'm rambling on here. My girlfriend deserves a man who does not have to l*** for other women and m*********, ESPECIALLY l*** for their feet. How incredibly pathetic...
I hate myself. I often break down in the shower, and ask God for control. And many times I have believed that I have left that life behind, but I always, ALWAYS, fall back into my old habits. I hate myself...