We broke up so can't I cry, too?

This is just a post to get things off of my chest.

My boyfriend and I came to a mutual decision to break up a few days ago. The reason being that he's going to be studying in America and his family hate me, say that I'm holding him back and causing him mental problems.
Now that we've broken up, he's guilting me every day. He makes it seem like I don't care about us breaking up. Can he not see that I'm taking it hard? Just because I don't outwardly say it to you doesn't mean it isn't hurting. I'm lonely, I'm scared. Doctors are doing tests on me because I've been sick for months now and no one even texts me to ask how I am [my family don't take much to do with me anymore due to certain issues]. He was literally all I had left so of course I'm taking this hard.
But if I cry or get upset then he gets more upset and I get blamed for it by his family and friends. I don't have any friends of my own, my job is slowly killing me. I've started turning to alcohol more and I'm scared of what might happen but I like the giddy feeling it gives me. I'm honestly losing all hope that I had. For years now, my life has been going downhill and now I have nothing. Even the clothes that I have are over four years old.

Am I not allowed to cry? Am I not allowed to show my emotions without being made to feel like **? All I want is someone to hold me and say "It'll be all right". Is that too much to ask? I need some sort of light.

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