I'm losing my mind.
For about 2 months now, the way that my mind processes thoughts has completely changed. It started with a conversation with my boyfriend, when I said that sometimes, random thoughts (sexual ones) about guys that I don't actually have any interest in would pop into my mind, like a subconscious thing. He was really upset by it, and we had a big fight. Now, I feel like those thoughts are vile and disgusting, and if I have them, my brain tells me that I'm disgusting for thinking that. Every time I have one of these thoughts, I have a panic attack until I come clean and tell my boyfriend what happened, even though he says it's not a big deal, and he over-reacted initially. These thoughts are normal, according to everyone that I've talked to, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I don't remember how my brain used to function, and every time I have s** with my boyfriend, all I do is try so hard to concentrate and not think about other guys that my brain doesn't even let me enjoy the s**. I love my boyfriend a lot, and I just want things to go back to normal. I'd never cheat on him or anything, and if I have a thought, I just wwant my brain to pass it off as nothing and forget about it, but it lingers in my brain and consumes me to the point where I can't focus on anything anymore. I haven't been able to go to class, or take notes like I normally do, or even eat. Every time I eat, I have a small panic attack and feel like I might throw up. I'm going to counseling, but nothing seems to be helping. I don't remember how I used to think, and I don't know why my brain won't let me forget anything ever. I hate this. I want it to stop.