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I'm losing my mind.
For about 2 months now, the way that my mind processes thoughts has completely changed. It started with a conversation with my boyfriend, when I said that sometimes, random thoughts (sexual ones) about guys that I don't actually have any interest in would pop into my mind, like a subconscious thing. He was really upset by it, and we had a big fight. Now, I feel like those thoughts are vile and disgusting, and if I have them, my brain tells me that I'm disgusting for thinking that. Every time I have one of these thoughts, I have a panic attack until I come clean and tell my boyfriend what happened, even though he says it's not a big deal, and he over-reacted initially. These thoughts are normal, according to everyone that I've talked to, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I don't remember how my brain used to function, and every time I have ** with my boyfriend, all I do is try so hard to concentrate and not think about other guys that my brain doesn't even let me enjoy the **. I love my boyfriend a lot, and I just want things to go back to normal. I'd never cheat on him or anything, and if I have a thought, I just wwant my brain to pass it off as nothing and forget about it, but it lingers in my brain and consumes me to the point where I can't focus on anything anymore. I haven't been able to go to class, or take notes like I normally do, or even eat. Every time I eat, I have a small panic attack and feel like I might throw up. I'm going to counseling, but nothing seems to be helping. I don't remember how I used to think, and I don't know why my brain won't let me forget anything ever. I hate this. I want it to stop.
You are being weighed down so heavily by guilt, due to your boyfriends initial reaction. You need to forgive him for how he responded and you need to forgive yourself for being so ** yourself. We all have thoughts like that, it is our nature as humans..it doesn't mean we are bad people or that we will act on them. You don't have to tell your boyfriend when they happen. Keep it to yourself and know that it isn't a big deal. Soon enough they will stop being a big issue.