Will I Always Be Angry?!

Terry was my 2nd husband. There's still days that I find myself mourning him and our love. I still hold a huge spot in my soul for him. I long to hear his voice, feel his large hands and strong arms embrace me. I can't let go, even though I was the one whom walked away 6 years ago.
We share a son together. Our son recently turned 8 yrs old. The last time that he saw or heard from his father was when he was 2. He doesn't ask much about daddy. Once in a while he asks and will listen to the few stories that I'm able to tell. But it makes him sad , so mostly he doesn't like talk about his dad.
Terry and I are still legally married. I told him at one time , shortly into our separation that I wanted a divorce. But, I wasn't able to pay for it and he told me " You will never make it without MY money!" By the way - I did not walk on frivolous terms. I was 5 months pregnant and he cheated on me. He came home and gave me genital herpes. Our daughter that I was pregnant with began suffering complications and ultimately was stillborn. Of course, I blamed him ( and still do ) for the loss of our daughter. Had he not cheated, or at the least had he used protection.... our precious little angel would be alive. He risked not only his and my health - but someone that was completely innocent! And then to tell me that he was THRILLED that she died.... it hurt me A LOT.
We lost contact after I moved back home to my home state ( we were living in the Mid West and I'm from the Wild West :) ) in any case - we lost touch with one another. I wasn't in the shape to keep contacting him for verbal abuse. I figured if he wanted to keep in contact with our son - he'd have to be the one to do it. My parents have never moved in over 40 years. They have the same phone number for the last 20 years. There's no reason he wouldn't know where or how to find me , since he knows I would never live too far off from my parents If I could help it.
Six years later - I was finally able to get the courts to sign off on a custodial agreement giving me primary custodial rights, and he is the non custodial parents with full rights and privileges. I began searching for him. I figured since he's well behind 33,000.00 in child support and is now trying to catch up ( although I believe his checks are being garnished )... maybe he'd finally like to try to have some sort of relationship with our son. I mean - after six years surely he's grown up some to where he doesn't have the massive hate towards me for walking out that he had. Instead - I find someone claiming to be the girl friend of a man , that is married to the woman that is living with and dating my estranged husband. I'm honestly happy that he has found a relationship and i don't want to disturb that. I do still love him but I know that when it comes down to the nitty gritty - I could never openly , whole heartedly trust the man anymore.
She asks me a few questions and I tell her all that I know ( nothing too personal - things that would be general knowledge since she had more personal intel than I was offering up). I was told that he's been telling people that we're divorced ( I'm surprised that he's letting me live, to be honest ! ) and that the court found me to be an unfit mother so his mom that lives in Tennessee is raising our son.
I was then asked " can you prove that you're still married?" Well how do you prove that? I checked the local court records and called a lawyers office and I was told something that I already knew. But speaking on legal terms and having what I already knew to be the truth confirmed isn't proof enough for these people. Evidently he's been showing a divorce decree saying that it's proof. Except there's no divorce on any record in his state or mine that says it's valid . There's nothing but a child support order that's in place. So it's either a decree from his first marriage, or something that's totally illegal to begin with!
As far as that's concerned - I really don't give a rip. I know what I know in my heart to be the truth. If they want to ponder on that - let em. In the meantime, they're missing the broad picture. Our son. I finally just said " here's my cell phone number... if Terry wants to ever talk to his son... tell him to feel free to call. No harm, no foul." It's been nearly a week. No phone call.
I almost want to take the low road now and email back and say " that's perfectly alright. He's behind 33 thousand in child support. He's raising another man's 6 kids. He's hiding from the woman that he knows is his legal wife because he knows if I ever talk to his girl friend she will be told so many truths she'll never see him as a man again ( even his own mother warned me that he's a pathological liar . I didn't believe her! ) and even though the state has ordered him to pay his son $565.00 per month plus an additional $100 until he's caught up - the state actually pulled out a total of $850.00 in one months pay. I'm sure with 6 kids ....that money could have been very handy ! But guess what?! It's MY SON'S MONEY !!! If he can't have a real dad, at least he can have money to get what he wants and needs !
I was diagnosed with manic depression not long ago. And over the past week , because of the emails that I had received I really found myself in a dark place. Im starting to realize now though that - this is bull. Why am I letting him affect my emotions? There's so many other people in my life that are such a positive influence. I have a wonderful b/f that treats my son as if he's his own child. I once thought that the only man who could be my son's father is the man who helped create him. But - it's not the sperm that makes a man a dad... it's the heart, soul, and patience of a REAL MAN!

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