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Losing my way
So. If the nice lady from the Samaritans tells you you should think about going to the doctor to talk about depression, that's probably a Thing. I really didn't want it to be a real thing. I want this to be something that i can just pull myself out of if I just try harder. I'm not good enough, though. Everyone seems to think I'm strong and happy, but I can't cope. I'm losing my grip.
There are drugs that help. But, like all drugs, there will be side effects. So be careful with doctors as most will just charge you and give you a pill. And the pill will be only 50% good. The other 50% of the pill will be bad for ya.
Next. Can you change your life? Go elsewhere, do something different? Get close to family - if you are separated, or get far away from family - if your family is of the devouring type? Can you make a substantial change ?
Try to not dig too deep into yourself. It will not help that you understand yourself better. I understand myself quite well and yet, I get episodes. So my way is to live OUTSIDE of my head. I just do and do and do and then I fall asleep. I dig the garden, plant the trees, and when I am tired ... no I do not take pills nor sit in lotus and meditate. And no ** yoga and no shrinks. I just go to a pub and watch people dance. Or else I go to the countryside where I know the bird watchers are and I sit with them and we swap stories.
Things like that. Life. I get less depressed when I live more, think less. I sit less I feel OK. I sit more (winters here) I get worse.
Try to get outside, do things, things you love. Surfing, bird watching, dog walking, eating, playing rugby, making love in hay. You name it. there is always something you do want to do. So do it.
This helps. I swear.