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I hate being a parent
I don't hate my kids, but I hate being a parent.
I hate not having anything even remotely resembling a social life. I hate changing diapers. I hate cleaning up after my kids. I hate driving some of them to school. I hate having to cook for them all the time. I hate listening to them fight, or cry, or beg for something. I hate having to take them to sports or activities so they're not bored. I hate having to keep watch over them when friends come over to play.
I hate being trapped in ** broiling desert, backwards ** Arizona, just because a job pays well enough to support four kids and moving would mean working for about 1/2 the pay. I've wasted a third of my life in this ** place because I can't afford to move because of these kids. I hate having to keep a close watch over my kids because I live in a ** huge beige and cement city...the more people there are, the more sick ** you gotta worry about taking kids.
I hate never being able to go anywhere new, see anything new, do anything new. School, meals, naps, sleep. I can't wait for them all to grow up and go away to college. Until then, I'm responsible for them. I'll be 52 when the last leave the house...I'd say half my life will be gone, and I'll have nothing but regrets.
The first kid was ok, I was 28 and figured I would make a good parent. The second got annoying by the time he turned 3. The third and fourth were definitely a mistake in judgement on my part. Should have just said "no ** way" to the wife after the first two. There's times I can't stand the sound of their voices. A couple times I've even gone so far as to wear earplugs and ignore them for an hour or two.
I usually stay up late and deprive myself of hours of sleep, just because I know that the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner another day of dealing with my children will start for me. **, I've gotta get up in 3 1/2 hours to take the older ones to school.
The brief moments of "oh, that's cute" are far overshadowed by the sheer level of ** I hate about parenthood. Passing on my genes is not worth this. If I would have known I'd hate parenthood so much, I'd have gotten a vasectomy at 18.
And to top it all off, I don't drink alcohol. I never acquired a taste for it, and earlier in life had no desire to kill off brain or liver cells, nor give up any self-control. I think I'd like to learn to appreciate a good beer or well-crafted spirit, but I won't. How much more miserable would my life be if I let slip to the wife or others how much I regret almost all of my decisions of the past 18 years (moving to Arizona, having kids, and sometimes even including marriage)?
Why even bother typing this up? I feels a little better just to put it out there, and I know that nobody I know will see this or be able to connect this to me. I put on a pretty decent act as a responsible (and almost caring) parent. I've been living the lie for years.
Sounds like this whole thing has been an emotional rollercoaster for you too. I totally get what you are going through, and I’m sorry you are in the same boat I am. Take comfort in the fact that If you are certain that you don’t want children, then it really is for the best that you two part ways. The guilt will take time to subside, but I would probably apologize to her about that if you haven’t already. We women need to actually hear the “I’m sorry’s“, the “I love you’s“, etc. I have never wanted children, but I’ll admit that this breakup has actually made me do a lot of soul searching. I have an awesome relationship with my mother, and I did with my grandmother as well before her death. It is the bonds that I formed with them that have made me realize that the kid thing is actually something I want to do later...I just know for sure that I am not ready right now. I told him this, but he doesn’t believe me and he thinks I would only be doing it for him. So now it’s basically too late since he started detaching himself from me during the last few months of our relationship. I have seen him twice since the official break up, and yesterday was one of those times. It keeps ripping my wounds back open and I am left feeling heartbroken & rejected all over again. Ugh, it’s really just become one big clusterf**k of emotions for me-Lol. He periodically contacts me through text message to see how I am doing, but I’m going to have to tell him to stop texting me for good. My heart has to let go so I can move on. I can’t wait until this heartache is over! I guess you and I just have to give it time.
I should probably clarify that he initially broke up with me over the kid thing. I didn’t really want it to end. :-/
Today was difficult. She wasn't an angel either.
I hope you are doing better.