I screaming silently inside

I want to cry but I don't know why, let see if I can sum my life in a small little and understanding summary.
I was sexually abused by my cousin in which my mother doesn't know, nor does a lot of family memmeber and I was 5 when this happen. I don't like talking about it. I think I feel in love at 13 yea I know it was young and you don't know what you but I guess it was because I didn't have my family around, my step father was an alcoholic and would pick on me and I was no body. And my real father abandom me for this other kids and he would come and go so i said to my self i had no father while growing up. I had to grow up fast take care of my sister and the house by 11years old so it felt nice to be wanted and noticed by someone and then to get hurt and then I started cutting because I wasn't noticed again by my family either. It was always do this and do that, make sure the house was clean and dinner was cooked and my sister did her homework. Then family tried adopting kids like they were any good at kids, so I wanted to be noticed I burned my arm. That didn't last long I don't know even now why I'm writing this not like any of ppl care. But I end up sleeping around and having fun, drinking and smoking. And not caring if no one was going to care about me why should I care. I moved out of my parents hapouse 4 times before I turned 18 and moved out for good. And yes it sucks not been able to have my mother help with anything at times but then again when was she ever there. I missed out on other of things and still am. I'm currently 23 and everyone comes to me for help and I help them but when I need help no one is around, and I feel like hurt, and no matter how many times I still am there. But yet my mother had the b**** to say I never did anything for her while she got sick which I was the one stop my life to take care of her. I hold everything in so well that at times I am really numb, and it scarys me so that's where cutting comes in for me I'm so numb I cut to feel pain on the outside. I at times have to make myself cry by watching really sad movies because I just can't cry anymore either.
I was also recently was in a very abuse relationship, the guy hit me and called me names And I started to believe him. And my self esteem is really low and I just want to give up and I went back to cutting my leg. It's like I stop but then I go back when things get to bad. I can't just go sit down and talk to my mother about anything because she just isn't there and blames me for everything, like she calls me a w**** and stupid too. And best thing my mother ever said was that she isn't proud of me that I'm it doing anything with my life which I live on my own u could say I work full time and pay for my own s***. I don't and didn't have her help me since I was 18. I just want to scream and I want things better and I want good things to happen to me for once not always get f***** over.. That's mostly everything I'm venting out. Yes I hold things in, I push ppl out of my life because at one point once I tell then who I am they either leave or they just hurt me. So that is why I'd don't bother much. I know half of what I am keeping is is only hurting me and I need to let it out and find someone to all to but it's hard trusting and opening up to ppl. :( I hope this confession can help aliitle.

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  • Wow thank you. It is real and true and That did hope a bit, but see my other problem is when I can't cut I end up drinking a lot. I wish it was so easy to find hope in either a friend and god I know he is there I think but really don't believe too much into it. And friends I've had the worst history with friends, they end up stabbing in back and I have hug trust issue. O that why I end up posting this post. Then with guys I just got out of a very abuse of relationship so it's hard to find love in all way. Because I guess I was never showed it. So it's like no matter how hard I try to stay strong and positive it just doesn't stay that way it is so hard when I'm everyone and everything punching bag. And that's what I want to do so bad save money and leAve and run away from everyone and everything and start fresh but it's hard. I feel the only that is keeping me going now adays is my job, I, a nanny and this kid is amazing, he is the reason I wake up. And I also almost signed my self into a ward the other day. I know I haven't had the best life but I guess one day I will. But I'm scared if u have known to have crap and bullshit and hurt, I just don't want to deal with Anymore. You know I've read so much into how to stop cutting on own, and I do that personaily but it don't last and the whole not drinking does. And then I tired seeing a dr but that didn't last long because I didn't have money and inscures. So it's not like I haven't tired to stop and making thing better, it's just not easy :( but thank you for taken time and reading this and giving me ur input, and maybe we could keep talking. I'm sorry what you went through.

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