I don't know how to deal with people.
I'm not a social person.
I'm not suicidal.
I'm fifteen and I've never kissed a boy.
I reject people who ask me out but I want a boyfriend really badly.
I'm confused and insecure.
Is there something wrong with me?
[*This is long. Something you need a lot of time to ready and if you don't care, don't waste your time here.]
My mom keeps telling me in it's "all in my head" and I know it is; that's why it's so hard to get rid of. She constantly says it's not a fear or a phobia and tells me I'm completely normal. I wonder, since when did she become all-knowing about me? She's my mother, I understand and respect her a lot. I love her a lot too but I wish she'd keep her life out of mine. She constantly pushes me to do things I don't want to do. Last year, I joined volleyball for the first time as a freshman because she said it was the first year and everyone was going to be just like me, a beginner. But I knew that the girls on the v-ball team had had at least 1-2 years of experience already but I joined anyway to make her happy.
It was probably the stupidest thing I'd ever done that year.
I knew NO ONE on the team (even though I'd lived in the same time town all my life.) I knew them but not personally. And I was so awkward, I just wanted to quit. But I pulled through and I was still terrible. In the end, I was dubbed "Most Improved Player" with a certificate to prove it. God, I was so embarrassed. I was hardly any better than I started and don't plan on ever joining a sport/club/group again. I liked being musically talented and was more into artistic things. She wasn't against it but she still pushed me to try new things that I was entirely against and uncomfortable with. If I refused, she'd yell at me and tell me how stupid I was. If I went along, I still ended up furious and scared.
I have lived in the same place all my life. I know everyone's names but I'm not friends with any of them. They know me as the "super-smart-musically-talented-asian-with-ninja-skills." I'll smile and laugh but if you knew me well, you'd know I was putting up a front. Sometimes they'll come up to me and start a quick conversation to which I'll be a very composed and calm girl and eventually they leave to see their buddies. I don't feel bad or depressed, I'm content on being alone. I have a few friends so no, I'm not a total loser/loner. I had a lot of "friends" earlier on in the year but eventually we stopped talking and I was left with three friends; a weirdo that I can tolerate and pity too much, a silly friend who lives down the street and my one trustful friend that's into the same things as I am and slightly more out-going than me. (We'll call them A, B, and C)
A has known me for a long while apparently. I didn't notice her until she approached me and I can't even remember how we got so close. But I noticed she became darker, "emo-ish-wannabe" and started copying me in everything I did. She suddenly had a slight OCD like I did, had an 'asian obsession' because she was white and recently formed a fear of people like I did. But I want to tell her to go back to the happy blond she was years ago. I want her to remain the girl she is inside but she puts up a new attitude to 'fit-in' though I realized no one really liked her and she knew it as well but chose to remain ignorant. I am proud she is strong enough to ignore what people say but I'm worried about her changing her outside to hopefully make others like her better. I try so hard to slow down to her pace because she tries and fails a lot. She's still trying to find her place in the world like the rest of us and I completely understand that. But dear A, please remain the way you are and don't change yourself for the sake of others! Please don't 'copy' my phobia of social situations because I didn't want to live this way! I didn't want to be stepped on all the time and walked all over like a welcome mat. I want you to remain yourself an nobody else because "whoever minds, doesn't matter and whoever matters, doesn't mind."
I met B in seventh grade and we began to become close - so close, people thought we were lesbians and dated. That rumor was quickly doused even though we held hands like couples, only we knew that we loved each other like sisters and we both continuously denied it whenever asked. We were both straight and she even had a boyfriend. But the both of us didn't really care what others thought; we were best friends and nothing could ever change that. But we didn't see each other outside of school because her parents were extremely strict and never allowed her to come to my house. We still remained close even though we sparsely saw each other. We waited together after school and sometimes saw each other during the mornings and in-between classes. I'm just jealous of her because she's made more friends than I ever did and she only got her a few years ago and I'd lived here all my life. It's a depressing thought, I know. I almost cry sometimes.
There's not much to say about C but we are really good friends.
Well, A, B, and C are my only female friends. I have a few male friends because they are just as immature and silly as I am. And A dated (let's call him D, 'kay?) but it turns out he really only liked me. He thought I was different and pretty cute. D actually still likes me but I'm still acting continuously ignorant of is feelings because I hardly have any experience in dating - and the fact that he was a compulsive liar. I'm not really attracted to him at all anyway. And (let's call him E) recently moved here and I actually thought he was cute as did the rest of the girls - even A liked him. I thought he was cute but after getting to know him, I realized he was almost an exact copy of C only cuter. Then I didn't feel attracted anymore. A says she's not but she does and I know it. (I mean, where on earth did her sudden obsession with alternative music suddenly develop? Read this far? Thanks.)
I try hard to keep up with everyone I meet but I know I'll probably never be like my older sister who's outgoing and has a long-distance boyfriend that guards the White House (they've been going strong for about 3 years now since he graduated) and they plan to get married after she graduates from college. Her life's planned out and seemingly perfect. She wants me to own a bakery because I'm talented in being the perfect housewife. She even wants me to bake a cake for her wedding. She's also so popular, when I walk down the hallways people mistakenly call me by her name because we look so alike. Though it's rare anyone mistakes her for me.
I don't know why I even bother going to school anymore. I pass my classes, learn things, eat and go home. It's a never-ending cycle and I know I'll have to face it when I grow up and go to college. I'll probably not make it too far in life because I'm a really shy and overly passive person who thinks of others before myself. I feel stupid for having an irrational fear of being negatively evaluated in any social situation but that's just how I am. I try so hard to change it I'm in tears because I feel like nothing will change. Sometimes I just want to give up and lie down so I don't have to face anyone anymore 'cause I know it's useless.
I'm insecure, un-confident, and fear social confrontations more than anything else. I feel like I can't do anything anymore and want to move away to start over. I want to move closer to our families that live 2-3 hours away and maybe even attend the same schools. I just want to stop being a complete loser and make something of my life before it's over. I want to talk about boys and shop like other girls too. But I know I'm not interested in boys at the moment, too busy studying and focusing on my school work and such. And I only go shopping when I've worn through my clothes. I'm mentally ten-years-old and chase frogs with my younger cousins 'cause it's fun and my other cousins are too into their drama-filled life online rather than living in the moment. I'm actually a silly and childish person but I'm too shy to do anything stupid in public, acting like a composed and studious girl that's only interested in her books. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed/suicidal or mad at the world or anything...I'm just mad at myself for not being myself in front of others. I'm mad that I can't act more confident. I'm mad I almost faint when just greeting someone along the street. I'm mad I get scared someone will hate me for saying or doing something. I'm mad at me all the time for having such a stupid irrational fear that seems so stupid in others point of view. I know I'm attractive because I'm constantly asked out and make others begin to like me but I don't know how to deal with their feelings so I don't date often; when I do, it's because I think it's rude to say "NO." It's hard to reject someone but it's mean to lead them on so I break it off after a little while because I know I won't return their feelings. I tried so many times but I just don't. Why am I like this ? Why am I so scared of hurting others when all I do is hurt myself? It's almost like I'm just ALIVE for the sake of being ALIVE.
Sometimes, I smile and the first thought could be "I'm fine" but in reality it could actually mean "Help me."
My fear controls me and I don't want it to.