I'm 15, just lost my virginity, and already regret it.
Last night, I was at a party. Drinking, drugs, etc.
This guy who is 17 or 18 was there with his girlfriend of 8 months. At some point throughout the night, he started flirting with me.
Thinking nothing of it, I flirted back. I was pretty damn stoned, and a bit buzzed from the alcohol.
Things got progressively more sexual as time went on.
He would leave his girlfriend just to come and hug me, and he was just going all out.
Then, when it was late, at like 2 a.m we sat next to each other on the couch. Everyone at the party was basically all crammed in one living room. It was stuffed.
He kept nudging me a little bit, and I would push back.
He put his hand on my leg, and squeezed HARD. You had to be there, but basically we were confirming without saying that we liked each other (or at least, were sexually attracted).
Then he put a pillow over his lap. I massaged his leg, and teased him for a while. He got really into it.
He then offered others massages. Mind you, no one noticed we were all over each other, and his girlfriend barely looked.
When he was giving other people back rubs, he would pull his arms back a bit so that his elbow would hit me a bit. I was so h**** and high at this point, I had no idea what to do.
So then we went downstairs together, and we were looking for some kind of food I think. We went into a pitch black room, and he kissed me.
Later on, we went outside to smoke. We walked away from the group, and to the side of the house (no one was there). We leaned on some car, and he basically asked me if I wanted to hook-up with him.
My thought process was just not there at all, and basically I was just doing whatever anyone else was doing.
So he leaned in, and we started making out intensely.
We walked to the back of the house, and he started fingering me as we made out. We thought someone was there, so we paused and talked for a while. I was considering leaving, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I already was starting to feel bad because of his girlfriend, but I just... I don't know.
Then we ran up behind this shed type of thing in the party hosts yard, and think just took off.
He took off my shorts and fingered me and then he told me to turn around and bend over. He f***** me from behind, and pulled out, then I finished him off.
Basically it was a quick thing with a complete stranger.
After the fact, we just kind of acted like nothing happened.
But I realized this morning when I sobered up, that he didn't use a condom. Not only that, but at the time, I had no clue he and his girlfriend were actually in a SERIOUS relationship; I thought it had only been a month or so. (Not that it makes it much better, but knowing that I just had s** with someone's boyfriend whom she claims she loves is awful).
I know I shouldn't drink, and that was the only time I have. I know I shouldn't smoke, but f***, it makes me so happy. And I DEFINITELY know I shouldn't have s**, especially with strangers, and especially without protection.
It's all so stupid. I got home and immediately started having an anxiety attack because I could be pregnant, and also because I feel immensely guilty.
I haven't ever done anything like this before, I haven't ever been THIS stupid.
I feel so horrible, and I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I also need to get a prescription for a morning after pill because I'm underage, which would require telling my mom, which I can not possibly do.
I just f***** up so hugely, and I can't seem to shake this feeling of self-hatred.