My desires confuse and scare me

I'm a 24 year old guy from India, single and gay. By nature, I'm soft spoken and sensitive, with a strong inclination towards 'doing the right thing.' I'm perceived mostly as someone cute and innocent. And when someone tells me that, I being to question myself if I'm being deceptive.

When it comes to s**, I always have this strong urge to get raped, or indulge in extreme bdsm. Listening to someone use vulgar language turns me on, while I don't speak that way myself. The thoughts in my head are nowhere close to the decorum I otherwise portray.

Last weekend, I got drunk with a close friend (who knows I'm gay), and gave him a b****** (he wasn't conscious). He fortunately didn't remember any of it the next day, and said he had a weird dream that his ex girlfriend was with him. Now, there's no way I can tell him that it was me (and I'm crazy embarrassed about what I did). I feel like I'm two different people. My sexual fantasies also conflict my strong desire to be monogamous. I'm not promiscuous, and during those rare instances when I'm having s**, I don't enjoy it because I feel guilty I'm not doing it with someone I love.

I'm extraordinarily good at work, but my personal life is a total mess. The way I speak, walk, dress, and do the regular stuff contradicts what goes on in my head. If people ever came to know, I'd be an epitome of deception.

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  • You are awesome! I'm a bi woman and I have the same sexual fantasies (bdsm), and have actually lived some of them out! It was fantastic! It's okay to love that stuff; it's a huuuuge turn on for me. I live in NYC, which is very liberal, and has plenty of people who are willing to indulge me.. I even travelled to Berlin Germany to meet up with a hot Master I was corresponding with! He was amazing! I say go put an ad out online like Craigslist and see what you can do.. Have fun n good luck!! Love, Me

  • Sounds like a problem...well luckily there are plenty gay guys out there for you so I wish you the best.

  • So you are a closet queen desperately wanting to open the door and step out into queendom. Well now, seek out a gay bar and go and have your a****** wrecked...I imagine there are other f*** that would entertain your desired lifestyle.

  • Oh you are the worst!! F*** you and your anti gay bullshit boring rhetoric!!

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