My desires confuse and scare me
I'm a 24 year old guy from India, single and gay. By nature, I'm soft spoken and sensitive, with a strong inclination towards 'doing the right thing.' I'm perceived mostly as someone cute and innocent. And when someone tells me that, I being to question myself if I'm being deceptive.
When it comes to s**, I always have this strong urge to get raped, or indulge in extreme bdsm. Listening to someone use vulgar language turns me on, while I don't speak that way myself. The thoughts in my head are nowhere close to the decorum I otherwise portray.
Last weekend, I got drunk with a close friend (who knows I'm gay), and gave him a b****** (he wasn't conscious). He fortunately didn't remember any of it the next day, and said he had a weird dream that his ex girlfriend was with him. Now, there's no way I can tell him that it was me (and I'm crazy embarrassed about what I did). I feel like I'm two different people. My sexual fantasies also conflict my strong desire to be monogamous. I'm not promiscuous, and during those rare instances when I'm having s**, I don't enjoy it because I feel guilty I'm not doing it with someone I love.
I'm extraordinarily good at work, but my personal life is a total mess. The way I speak, walk, dress, and do the regular stuff contradicts what goes on in my head. If people ever came to know, I'd be an epitome of deception.