I have a weight gain fetish and am purposefully ruining my health

I am a gay man and ever since I can remember I've had an all-encompassing weight gain fetish. I cannot get off without some form of weight gain stimulus, despite trying an uncountable number of times. Knowing this about myself has always taken a toll in relationships, as well, as I find myself caught between wanting to have an intimate relationship with another and not wanting him to sacrifice his health for me.

So I purposefully gain weight to get off, usually by stuffing myself with far too much food during sexual activity (not with another person thus far). When I fully accepted this I was 19 years old and about 155 pounds at 6'1" from being a swimmer all my life, and now about two years later I am about 225 pounds with no drive to stop. I do still lift weights to be able to carry my weight and look "thick" instead of "fat," and I love my body now more than I ever have before, but it can still take a toll on my confidence knowing that I am deliberately making myself less attractive to the average eye.

I'm also worried about what my family will say when they see me next every time I go off to school. My family isn't full of health nuts, but I was always the most athletic and active so I can tell that they want to say something but hold it back. If they were to say something it wouldn't hurt my feelings, but just knowing that they feel I have a problem going on does hurt. I am very close to my family, but they are typical "midwestern suburbia" and I don't know how to express to them that I have found happiness in ways that they will never understand. I feel as if I am doing the right thing by trying to make the most out of something that I cannot change about myself, but it does become isolating sometimes if I let it.

I know at this point I am just rambling and whining, so I'll cut it short here, but I just wanted to confess that. Thanks for reading.


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