am i right for her?

i don’t even know where to start. i wish things were different. i’m trying my hardest to be better, but it’s so difficult. i want to be better for her. not to impress her, but because she deserves better and i want her to be proud of me. i’ll miss her when she’s not here. when she’s back i hope i have something new i can tell her, something that i’ve done, something productive, other than waste my money that is scarce on cigarettes and alcohol. i feel like a burden on her, even though i try not to put things on her shoulders. she has a lot of potential in so many area’s, i’m just scared of holding her back.
if i didn’t get knocked down by stupid things, maybe i wouldn’t feel so low. i just don’t know how to block out the people who get me down or p*** me off. i’m blocking one person out, that isn’t working. i’m not blocking out another, that isn’t working either. i haven’t slept properly for months, just because i have too much going on in my head.
i don’t even know where to start. i just want to wake up one day next to her with no debt, my own place again and a job i can be proud of. god, i pray for that day.