My heart is Heavy, I'm not who I think i should be
July 9th 2011
Hi my names ____, and I’m 19 years old, I’m from New York City and I’m a college student, aspiring doctor,…and I’m lonely.
Maybe it is just me, but I never really imagined my life being the way that It turned out, I always thought that I would go to UCLA and get into their medical program and do peacecorp and come back and work at Remuda Ranch, and teach at NYU when I retired, that was my plan, and my goal in life. And I’m nowhere near there. Instead, I’m 19, recovering from bulimia, going to a community college, that I don’t even like, kicked out of my parents house, and struggling and living off of my money. I don’t really talk to a lot of people; I’ve been hurt so much in my life I cringe even thinking about it. When I see people out and doing their own thing, and being with their families and significant others, I’m like ‘yeah, this is what it’s like to be a ghost’. I want to change so many things about myself but yet I like myself, or do I really? I honestly get so confused, when I think about that question because I like myself, meaning that I have confidence and I’m stubborn, but I don’t like my ways. I always hear that I’m so beautiful, but yet, It doesn’t even matter I don’t even take it as a compliment anymore, because I feel like inside I’m f***** up.
I don’t know what happened to me, I know that I blame some things on my parents, like there abuse towards me, and how that affected me throughout my life but I really don’t think it’s that anymore, I truly believe that it is me. And my choices, and I don’t make the right ones.
One thing that I want to talk about is my ability to push people away and why I do it. I believe I’ve been in denial about this for a very long time.
It seems like I’m only into people that I know are no good, you know? Like the ones that I think I do better than. The ones with no job or making minimal money or the emotionally unstable ones. Like ____, he had no motivation, and ____, he had a kid, he was vulnerable, and _____, he was emotionally weak, so I took advantage of all those things because I wanted to feel important. And it is like I don’t even have a serious attraction to those people but the prospect of power draws me in. So I go in with bad intentions and I milk it until I’m bored and I cause havoc so I feel like I’m giving them a little bit of power back, and I’m done with them, but just to feel a little more power to kind of get the last laugh, I act like I so desperately want them back, and I cry and tell them how sorry I am and how much I miss them, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but either way, I smirk and realize that I never loved them anyway. I sound so evil and I’m so ashamed, so ashamed. I really wish my heart wasn’t as black as it really is and I knew how to fix myself. I don’t want to live this way anymore. Sometimes when I think about it, I almost want to die, because it’s the worst feeling in the world knowing that you’ve ruined something that could have potentially been great. Especially when you look back on it like a month or two later and realize how f***** up you are.
The only person that I don’t feel that way towards is _____, I did nothing wrong and I know that, we just weren’t meant to be, but I did do wrong by my self, I stayed with him when I knew that it was just hurting me, and that’s why I came out of the fire even more vicious and ready to kill. I honestly don’t like people; I think they want to hurt me, so I try to hurt them first. And It’s so sad to say, that I’ve been in 3 serious relationships but I’ve never been in love, I don’t know what it’s like to want to give your life for another person or what it’s like to stay up all night thinking about someone or wake up excited because you get to see them that day. I can’t even imagine, must feel great. The only love I have is the passion to change the world, but it’s so ironic because I HATE people. So why would I want to change the world, why not just let everything go to h***? You’d think that’d be the plan right? Nope, I want to help everyone, but I can’t help myself. You know as mean as people sometimes think I am. I’m the happiest when I know I’ve made someone’s day. When I go to New York City and I see a homeless person and I give them money, I feel like my life is complete, and that I could just die happy right there. Or when I see a child having fun and smiling, my heart isn’t black anymore, I think it actually gets a tint of red. And this might sound weird, but when I take off my makeup. I’m the happiest girl in the world because then I know that I’m so much more than people perceive me to be.
I’m cold as h***, I used to think I was just tough but g****** it I’m just hurt, a hurt soul.
I’m in recovery for my bulimia now, and I’m happy, I’m happy that I have a second chance at possibly living normally, I don’t know really what it is like to live without an eating disorder, I started when I was 9. And before then, I always was on a diet or thought that I was fat, but I never was overweight until the bulimia started slowing my metabolism down. I know my reason for my bulimia, which really helped me in my recovery because I think it gave light to what I needed to change in my life as far as my struggles with my family and the past goes, I let it go, and not down the toilet, but I freed my mind. Now I just have to free my heart.
I really do wish this could be made public so maybe it would help somebody else with the same issues that I have and maybe I’m not the only one that feels this way and I could help others and other people could help me. Because I know I walk around like I’m perfect, I wear cute dresses and I love high heels and I like hair and doing hair and makeup and fashion, but when I go home at night, I just want to chill and be in sweatpants and put my hair up and laugh and make fun of the stupid things that I’ve done and be happy. Which I guess most people don’t know about me. Actually most people don’t know that I grew up very poor, and my family worked very hard to have the money that they have today. And most people don’t know that I’ve been physically and emotionally abused my whole life and that I have a sister who was lucky enough to leave the abuse, but she never came back for me like she said she would. And most people don’t know that I’ve tried to commit suicide 4 times and nearly succeeded twice. Most people don’t know that I was a cheerleader who was a pill head, or that I’ve begged for my life at the hands of my dad at least once. There’s so much that people don’t know about me, that I wish they did, they just see the mask that I put on every day and try so hard to up keep. I always feel like it’s slipping off. And sometimes I used to think that I had a mental illness, but I know I don’t, my problem is my heart, it’s heavy as f***, and it pulls me down with it, it’s just a big black stone at this point, and I don’t even carry it in my chest anymore, it’s in my stomach just rumbling around looking for an exit.
The thing that brought me to even write this might not seem that serious to most people but it’s serious to me, and I think it made me realize some things. I’ve been talking to this guy, who at first we had so much in common, it was almost insane, I felt like I was talking to my twin. And I met him, and he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in a long time, and not because of his face or body or tattoos, but the way he carried himself and the way he smiled at me. I was happy. But he went away for a little bit, a couple of weeks and he’s in a good program for what he wants to do in life. And my mind started turning and even though we didn’t have s** I was like he’s just going to use me, he doesn’t really like me, all guys are the same, and I wasn’t the best person I could be towards him while he has been gone, and he said something to me that really broke it down for me, and I don’t know if he was kidding, but he said “I’m glad to see you don’t need me, night” and he hasn’t talked to me since and we usually talk every day, and it wasn’t so much the fact that I’m interested in him, but there I go misinterpreting people , by other people, and how I feel they SHOULD act. And I think I may have hurt his feelings or he is just fed up. And I’m fed up too…with myself. I want to change. And although I’m not in love with him or even in deep like, I feel like it could’ve gotten somewhere and I could’ve been on that stepping stone to being content, I really want to talk to him again, but it seems like nothing I say is worth a response to him right now. So that is what ultimately drove me to look deeper into myself. I know people might say that it is pathetic that it took a guy to show me things about myself, but it just honestly showed me how much I affect other people and that no one really has to be tolerant of me.
My own cousin, whose twelve says she doesn’t want to be like me she says I make her sad and she’s afraid for me, because I just have so much rage, and hate, and I starve and purge at the mercy of other people, I have so much hate for what people have done to me, and I know that if I did anything to them, I would go to jail, so I turn it onto myself and I make myself suffer because I can’t do it to other people, and I like it, I used to love taking pills because I was so numb and carefree, and I felt like I was self medicating my problems. I loved to purge because I felt like I was stuffing my issues because I deserved to feel them and then when it was too much to handle I threw it up because I wanted to be empty again, same with starvation. And I overdose because I feel like I just don’t need to be here anymore. But its like so many of the people who commit suicide and succeed actually wish they wouldn’t have done it. Like the moments leading up to their deaths. And it is so sad, and I really wish those people would have really thought about it. There’s always a better day, but at the same time, I also feel like there’s always a worse day as well. I honestly don’t know how I feel anymore, I just want to change. At my school, I do these presentations on changing the modern standards of beauty, but when I look in the mirror I almost see a corpse, because nothing on the inside matches what is on the outside, I feel like a zombie.
I’m just going to wrap this up, because it’s just a daily journal, but I think that deep down inside I’m a good person and that I do care about people, I just think that my views on people have tainted my everyday life, and I’m not living the way I know I should. I really needed to write this so I could be honest with myself, and reach out and see if anyone feels the same way. I want to help the world but can’t help anyone until you help yourself right? I feel just that much more free now. Remember everyone, one day at a time.
**and no, I am not full of myself, or trying to trigger anyone, this is merely an honest journal and I want to help myself while maybe possibly reaching out to others**