He said no. Now yes???
He said he wouldn't marry me. He said it was off the table. That he had been married once before and that was enough. I understood but felt like I was being punished for other people's actions I had nothing to do with. I'd been married once before too and it was rough. But for this man, I would wholeheartedly take the leap. I put myself out there and asked him on our fourth anniversary to marry me. Because I'm in love with him. Always have been from day one. It was a firm "no"-- and it's been a little squirrely between us ever since. Then the money comes. A nice sum. It was unexpected but very welcome. But, now that it's here, he suddenly "might be able to entertain the thought". Well, I'm starting to get a little s***** about it. What would have been the difference in saying yes 6 months ago? Yeah. Okay.
It's not that I am holding anything over his head. It's just nagging me that he himself wasn't exactly riding on high financially when I asked and I asked anyway. And got shut down. Firmly. So apparently, men aren't the only ones that have to worry about this issue.
Dammit, I don't want to be loved IF/WHEN. I want to be loved NOW where I'm at. Regardless of what I am or what I'm not. I'm tired of this narrative in my life. GODDAM F****** TIRED OF IT.