I think it's and eating disorder
I was never diagnosed and would wanna self diagnose but my mom kinda dismisses It when I talk about talking to someone or says she will then we just forget about it.
it probably started when I was 11 when all the other girls started thinking about how we looked and commenting on other peoples appearance, so I started thinking about myself more. at first it wasn't obsessive I just wanted to get toned then I started listing everything I needed to fix and surgery I had to get when I got older, make up n products I thought I needed and things I had to change about me to be perfect
I was 11 n dumb so I was wearing waist trainers for days,trying to only drink water no food, working out from 10pm to 4am, drinking a f*** ton of AC (it was a fad) "dieting" just eating celery n cottage cheese, then getting home I'd be so hungry I'd binge thinking I wouldn't care then I'd panic and realized gagging myself with my toothbrush would make me throw it up then I started stealing laxitive but over time they stopped working. It was really mind consuming looking back I wasted so much time planing being perfect so I could live without the insecuritys always on my mind, I can't communicate if I'm not confident it's like they take up so much head space I forget how to be me. I'm 15 now and I don't try to not eat, Ik how to actually diet now but I'm really strict and if I eat anything I would've thrown before, it just regurgitates like my body doesn't think it's supposed to be there. I think I'm smarter now and it's slowly going away but it still so hard to be happy and talk to people it's like the words aren't even mine it's my anxiousness talking and whatever it says makes me wanna punch myself lmao. I feel like I'm always waiting and planing to have a good life I'm not even living one in the moment I'm just not there. I just realized this went so off topic there just so many little things I feel like are all rooted from that