I'm completely insane

I'm a high school girl, and there is something seriously wrong with me. I am the most messed up child on the face of the earth, and this will probably be a bit of a long post...So here I go. First, I have a basic depression/ bipolar thing going on. I think I inherited it from my mom, because she has it to. I'm bisexual. I've never done it with a guy, but I'd already been with a girl bu the time I was in 5th grade, she was my neighbor, and she started it all, so we messed around as a game. 2 years later another one of my friends so we messed around for like 2 years, up until high school started. Now I mostly like girls. My mom is Christian(kinda) and she cried when she found out. I have a girlfriend now and she doesn't know, so I;m going to tell her soon. I'm not Christian, nor am I really anything, due to being insane I think about life a lot and realized no religion makes any sense, and crossed out of being Christian, but then I realized if none of them were right I might as well choose one that made me happy. So I'm a Wiccan now, and due to that I don't eat meat ( Wiccans are vegetarians). I'm slightly sadistic towards people around me. I tend to observe people a lot, and get bored easily, so I manipulate them (yes, I know that's horrible), I'm also very masochistic. I spend most of my life in a dream world. Yes a dream world. many of them actually, I tend just to stay there since they make me happiest. Everyone thinks I'm developing a dissociative disorder which is probably true. People around me seem to care more about my future than I do. I have very good grades ( mostly A's with an occasional B), and everyone expects me to go to college to become a doctor or something like that.( who would let me handle a human being??), but personally I think that's a horrible idea. I can't even handle normal school, I feel a constant pressure on my chest, like I'm super stressed, even though there's nothing to stress me out since I;m super lazy, because I get awesome grades without doing anything. If I went to college I'd probably be crushed by the invisible pressure. I would rather just become a stripper (my body is fine for than line of work, I'll just get slightly bigger b******) but of course people around me are shocked and appalled like I;m going to h*** and it's an unimaginable thing to do. I don't believe in h***, and I can imagine it. I don't really care what happens to me, I could die tomorrow and not really care. That sounds emo, but it's not meant that way. It's not like a I want to die I'm gonna kill myself type thing, but like if you're walking down the street and there's a little kid in the street with a car coming, if I could sacrifice my life to save the poor little boy, than why not? I'm not using my life very well obviously, I wouldn't be sad that i died in fact I'd be very satisfied. I'm not like other teens in the way I think to. well that's obvious, but I mean I stare at the sky for hours just think, sometimes about the sky, sometimes about something completely different, and sometimes i think about what I'm thinking about. I listen to the same thing over and over again for an hour while crying and thinking about what the purpose of life is( usually round here-counting crows..like now...). I want to be a million things, and yet I want to be nothing. I don't want to wake up in the morning. i want to lie in my covers and think all day. I can't seem to take the pressure of life. My mom understands nothing about me, don't get me wrong i love her more than anyone else in the world, and we're way closer than my dad. Which I think is why it hurts so badly, when I think about how she'll never understand me no matter how much I want her to. She says stupid things like everyone else= It's because you a teenager-Tons of people are exactly like you-You're so spoiled, if you're already sad, I might as well give you more work. And can't stand being here anymore. This city, this life, this world. I can't handle. This is a world where nothing miraculous will ever happen, and yet everyone tries so hard to live a good life. Everyone wants to be happy while they live, but why, time is so short. Everyone is so nice to everyone, and work so hard just so that they can die. Some people don't even make it to 60. some people don't even make it 60 second, and some people get killed off by the only people they should be able to trust, before they ever get out into the world. So what is the purpose of this life? Where horrible people get to live the same amount as good people. Where some cherished people are cruelly killed for no reason. And where some people who would gladly die, get to live their lives? Where a 14 year old high school girl, is allowed to think about life more than some people do their entire lives, and what kind of a world do we live in, where a girl can be clearly screaming for help, yet people will read her post laugh at her and then move right on with their lives not taking one second to put her out of her misery. What kind of world?

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  • scary; you sound like a female version of me.

  • Lots of people have thoughts like you. I did. You are in prime hormonal time, and you have emotional problems. If you have been diagnosed as bi-polar, you MUST be on your medications. Sounds like you need medication for depression anyway. Your brain chemicals sound unbalanced.
    Seek a therapist.
    And, don't write off Christianity. I know it is the trendy thing to do, to be anti-Christian and anti-Religion. It is much more ballsy to go against the flow. Remember this: Chrisitianity is the only faith based on love. God loves you as much as anyone else no matter what you do or how you think it would be impossible to ever change that. If you attend a church and they make you feel otherwise, move on until you find a church who speaks the truth. May I suggest a non-denominational church.

  • Before you call yourself bi-polar, are you actually diagnosed as such? Have you talked to a doctor or anything? You sound like you are depressed, but not really bi-polar, or you would have mentioned more of the issues that comes with it. Things can be depressing at your age. But in two years you'll just shake your head at how you felt before.

    Do you have any skills? Getting good grades is one thing, but actually using knowledge in day to day ways isn't something you'll always learn in school. Try your hand at creative writing perhaps.

    Labeling yourself as bi-sexual might be a bit premature at your age. Let more experience dictate that.

    Life is confusing at your age. I know. Except, so much of the innocence that I had at my age just doesn't exist anymore. Its sad. Damn internet.

  • too long. though people dont need to be simple, you could have simplified this. save the details for people who ask.

  • Okay, you have four years before you have a shot to make it on your own, as do I. I live in a really crappy part of the States, in a nice house with nice things. But the...er.....guy we call president is going to s**** up the country more than the former one did.

    So I say, move. Start over. Leave your mom & your familiy and go to....England. You can get a job, and start all over on your own. Raise a family, and find out the meaning of life. Right now.....good luck.

  • Well, save the bisexuality. I used to think I was bisexual, but then I realized I liked guys a lot more. It's also much harder to keep strong friendships with female friends when you're bi.

  • I feel as if I'm a better informed and happier version of you.

  • I think what two of these people are saying is that just shutting the f*** up and stop acting like you are better than everyone else, well, that might be a way to go.

  • I must say (and I only scanned through your message) that I think you are quite intelligent.. You actually think about life...
    I do think you are wrong thinking that you are a 'bad' person. Basically everyone is good. That you manipulate others is because you see so many more options then most (I know, I do too).. I do try to use my 'powers' for good (manipulate when I think it is best for all).
    As for all the negative things happening and why.. Well, I guess life is like a school.. We have to learn the good and the bad. You call yourself a Wiccan. I guess you do feel there must be something out there, but you just don't know exactly what it is... And you are right, there is something out there..
    Observe (as you like to do) and you'll find there is a lot out there...
    Lastly you call yourself bi.. Mmm... maybe you are.. Maybe you see s** as just a pleasant passing of the time... And in my opinion it should be...
    I wish you all the best...

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