I'm completely insane
I'm a high school girl, and there is something seriously wrong with me. I am the most messed up child on the face of the earth, and this will probably be a bit of a long post...So here I go. First, I have a basic depression/ bipolar thing going on. I think I inherited it from my mom, because she has it to. I'm bisexual. I've never done it with a guy, but I'd already been with a girl bu the time I was in 5th grade, she was my neighbor, and she started it all, so we messed around as a game. 2 years later another one of my friends so we messed around for like 2 years, up until high school started. Now I mostly like girls. My mom is Christian(kinda) and she cried when she found out. I have a girlfriend now and she doesn't know, so I;m going to tell her soon. I'm not Christian, nor am I really anything, due to being insane I think about life a lot and realized no religion makes any sense, and crossed out of being Christian, but then I realized if none of them were right I might as well choose one that made me happy. So I'm a Wiccan now, and due to that I don't eat meat ( Wiccans are vegetarians). I'm slightly sadistic towards people around me. I tend to observe people a lot, and get bored easily, so I manipulate them (yes, I know that's horrible), I'm also very masochistic. I spend most of my life in a dream world. Yes a dream world. many of them actually, I tend just to stay there since they make me happiest. Everyone thinks I'm developing a dissociative disorder which is probably true. People around me seem to care more about my future than I do. I have very good grades ( mostly A's with an occasional B), and everyone expects me to go to college to become a doctor or something like that.( who would let me handle a human being??), but personally I think that's a horrible idea. I can't even handle normal school, I feel a constant pressure on my chest, like I'm super stressed, even though there's nothing to stress me out since I;m super lazy, because I get awesome grades without doing anything. If I went to college I'd probably be crushed by the invisible pressure. I would rather just become a stripper (my body is fine for than line of work, I'll just get slightly bigger b******) but of course people around me are shocked and appalled like I;m going to h*** and it's an unimaginable thing to do. I don't believe in h***, and I can imagine it. I don't really care what happens to me, I could die tomorrow and not really care. That sounds emo, but it's not meant that way. It's not like a I want to die I'm gonna kill myself type thing, but like if you're walking down the street and there's a little kid in the street with a car coming, if I could sacrifice my life to save the poor little boy, than why not? I'm not using my life very well obviously, I wouldn't be sad that i died in fact I'd be very satisfied. I'm not like other teens in the way I think to. well that's obvious, but I mean I stare at the sky for hours just think, sometimes about the sky, sometimes about something completely different, and sometimes i think about what I'm thinking about. I listen to the same thing over and over again for an hour while crying and thinking about what the purpose of life is( usually round here-counting crows..like now...). I want to be a million things, and yet I want to be nothing. I don't want to wake up in the morning. i want to lie in my covers and think all day. I can't seem to take the pressure of life. My mom understands nothing about me, don't get me wrong i love her more than anyone else in the world, and we're way closer than my dad. Which I think is why it hurts so badly, when I think about how she'll never understand me no matter how much I want her to. She says stupid things like everyone else= It's because you a teenager-Tons of people are exactly like you-You're so spoiled, if you're already sad, I might as well give you more work. And can't stand being here anymore. This city, this life, this world. I can't handle. This is a world where nothing miraculous will ever happen, and yet everyone tries so hard to live a good life. Everyone wants to be happy while they live, but why, time is so short. Everyone is so nice to everyone, and work so hard just so that they can die. Some people don't even make it to 60. some people don't even make it 60 second, and some people get killed off by the only people they should be able to trust, before they ever get out into the world. So what is the purpose of this life? Where horrible people get to live the same amount as good people. Where some cherished people are cruelly killed for no reason. And where some people who would gladly die, get to live their lives? Where a 14 year old high school girl, is allowed to think about life more than some people do their entire lives, and what kind of a world do we live in, where a girl can be clearly screaming for help, yet people will read her post laugh at her and then move right on with their lives not taking one second to put her out of her misery. What kind of world?