I can never truly let myself be open again.
I'm terrified to be around you again. I'm trying so hard to stuff my feelings away, distract myself from the fact that I still love you and probably always will. Loved you for the last few years, my dumb self never told you way back when even though you admitted to me your own feelings.
Years later, I'm a broken mess. Abusive relationships made me more and more cautious. More and more scared. Then the moment where I think "what the heck, maybe it'll be different." It won't. It never is. The time it takes for someone to hate me just takes a little longer.
But you...you were my best friend. We talked almost daily. Then came the 4th of July. The best day in my life in a long LONG time. Turns out it meant so much more to me than it ever did to you. Why was I so foolish to confess to you. Only for you to spill the beans the night before Thanksgiving that you felt guilty for showing me love in return. That you still had feelings for someone else, the person who ghosted you for most of a year, who mistreated you, yet I gave you everything even when I couldn't. I dropped everything for you. And you even ADMITTED to "dangling the carrot" in front of me as you put it.
I cried in front of you. I let my darkest moments out in trust to you. My worries, my fears, my anguish...I finally let myself go for once in a LONG long time, and for once I let go of all of it. Let go of my fears, of my cautiousness, and just enjoyed my time with you. Enjoyed life. Things were finally okay again. Life was full, and for once I wasn't afraid. I trusted in this.
But, again...July meant something to me, and it never meant the same to you. Why didn't I see the signs? Because I was an idiot.
You told me to take the chance and I did. Now I'm more miserable than ever. I want to message you as we once did, talk about the random events of our day. I want to hang out again, watch funny or interesting things on YouTube as we figure out what game to play next. But every message I try to send I delete before I could press send. Every time I want to hang out, I cancel out of terror that when I look at you, I'll feel as in love with you as I was before...while you look at me with no feelings in comparison.
You told me to take a chance. You taught me to never take that chance again.
You told me everything was going to be okay if I took that leap. You taught me I should bottle it all up because it'll all end in fire.
I told you that after you, I could never do this again, and I meant that. I've locked away that part me and threw away the key. I just know if I see you again, that key is just going to be right in front of me and I might take it. I don't want to take it. I don't want to love, anymore. I don't want to feel happy around you. I don't want to take the chance and feel like I'm going to be okay one day when I'm not.
Everyone else gets their happy endings. I don't. I'm the ONE person on this effed-up planet who doesn't get the happy ending. You said I'm a good person, I'm not. So I don't deserve anything. And I definitely don't deserve you.
I just wish it was over. I'm tired of living day in and day out in the same routine, I'm tired of trying to be happy only for the smallest things to set me back into my hiding place. I can't smile genuinely anymore. Laughing is forced (and I'm really really good at acting happy now thanks to customer service). But you have no idea how miserable I am. You will never know this misery. You have life so good. Everything works out for you eventually. You and your ex can get back together and you can get back into your hobbies and everything will be just the way you want it.
But me? I'm stuck here at 2 in the morning writing a long paragraph to you about how I feel, only to backspace and erase it all and replace it with a "Hope you have a good night."
You have no idea how tired I am. None of you do. None of you know how miserable I am because I can't open up to anyone anymore. I won't allow myself to. Ever again. I can't. For my own safety, to keep whatever I am and whatever I have left, I have to stay away from people. If I could physically just be by myself, no job, no home, just somewhere far away from people where no one could find me, that would be best. Maybe one day I can finally disappear like I said I would. Move countries away and live in a shack no one knows about, become a true hermit and never talk to anyone ever again.
Life will never be that perfect, though.
And I'll just be here, alone, afraid to talk to anyone about anything that doesn't benefit them.
Don't be honest to people if its a negative thing. Just make everyone happy, smile lots, push out a laugh or two, and just fool everyone into thinking everything is great. Take up a hobby like streaming, where you can practice how to act in front of a live audience, so you learn how to make it so everything looks perfect. So they don't see how much pain you're in at all times of the day. They can't see how broken down you are. They can't see how your soul is burnt out, how tired you are.
I'm so tired of this.
Most of all, I'm so tired of the loneliness.
But I have to embrace it. Because sooner or later it comes back. So why ever try to get rid of it.
Same with happiness. Its all so temporary. But the sadness, the misery, the loneliness, that's all permanent. Inevitable. Why try to force it away when it always comes back. Its destined to come back.
I don't want this.
But I have this forever.
I just want this to be over, but I can't end it myself because "its wrong". So I'm forced to continue until I get lucky with a cancer or I get hit by a truck or something. I have to smile because its wrong to be emotional. Can't die unless "its my time to go".
I just want my time to go to be now.
Watch my luck and I'll live until I'm 80+. Still miserable until my last breath.