I've lost control of myself and can't stop

I really don't know where to post this. During my college a girl from our college was found dead in a ditch some mile away. The report was that she had gone out with some guys she met online and she had been raped and murdered. I did not know her but it affected me greatly. I stopped any using dating services and became very distrustful of males, in any setting.

I did my best to stay safe. I got a job working for medium sized company. The parking garage was dark and I felt extremely unsafe. I did have paranoia about being raped, I saw shadows everywhere. One night, it was dark already, I went to my car and the man parked beside me kissed me. It was an aggressive kiss, holding my head and pining me against my car. We were alone, as he kissed me he pressed himself against me, I could feel his erection against my stomach.

A flip switched inside of me, all of sudden I was engrossed in him kissing me. when he put his hands in my pants I let him, when he undid his pants and pushed me down to give him oral s** I did. I wanted to please him in the worst way, his hand h****** my head while he shoved his p**** in my mouth. He came and filled my mouth and face and he withdrew and told me he would see me later.

I went home so frustrated, I masturbated until I hurt. I used my hair brush and the handle of a large spoon. I could not satisfy myself, I was unable to reach o*****. I cursed him for leaving me like that. I didn't sleep. I didn't see him or that car again, I went down into the parking garage looking for him, waiting, but he never showed again. My paranoia and frustration of not having been satisfied occupied my mind day and night.

One night, we worked late during monthly close, an older male coworker offered to walk me to my car. When we got there, I was parking in the darkest place possible, I stood at my door trying to get him to kiss me, to grab me, but instead he told me not to park there something could happen, that I should park in lighted area. I went home frustrated, I had purchased a couple of d***** online and used them but I could not reach o*****.

It wasn't until three years later, I had settled down somewhat but still paranoid, I parked on the third floor of the parking garage. When I got to the elevator it was full so I decided to walk up the stairs. A man grabbed me from behind, hit me h****** the head, he stripped my pants off and raped me in the stairwell face down on my knees on the stairs and ran away. I put myself together and went home and I had my first full night sleep. I didn't bathe for three days and wore the same panties. After showering and changing I decided to m********* and I achieved a deep deep o*****.

I work with a man who is overprotective. He is older and divorced and wants me to marry him. I don't lead him on, he doesn't deserve a wife who has been raped and goes out at night cruising dark parking lots and stairwells, dressing in short skirts and braless blouses, going to bars, being picked up by strange men, taken to cars and cheap motels. I stopped keeping count but it must be over a 100 by now.

Mar 31

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