I must keep my views secret and it makes me feel very alone
I recently came to realize I hold certain views about ** and sexuality that my wife, friends, family, and community do not.
Three years ago my wife, daughter, and I left a church that almost made me abandon Christianity altogether because of how demeaning and cult-like they were. If I mentioned the leader's name many in most Christian circles would recognize him. Eventually we moved to a new city during Covid and on the drive to our new place I had lots of time to think alone. I finally realized I was truly bisexual. I had oral ** with another guy once before I got married, but shamed myself for such actions. But now I realize I want ** with other men.
I also came to realize I am polyamourous. I secretly chatted with a good friend from college and we both lamented how our spouses are strongly monogamous, but both she and I are non-monogamous. I hold to the belief that ** is not wrong outside of marriage. There is no Scripture that supports it and a lot of these views come from purity culture today. I do disagree with Scripture on homosexuality and secretly support all forms of sexual expression. I have had ** with three different women since getting married and felt no shame or guilt for it. Rather, it felt right and I wished I could share my experiences with my wife and free her up to have ** with other people on her own or us together.
But alas, my wife, friends (except for my friend from college), family, and my church do not support such things or views. I feel very alone. If it didn't hurt my kids or cause serious drama I would part with my wife and pursue this lifestyle with someone similarly like-minded and still Christian, but the chaos and drama such an act would incur is not worth it.
For now I guess I will continue to have a rare sexual affair when I can, but I'll never get to experience the life I know fits me best. I am a secret bisexual polyamorous Christian. Am I alone as such? Are there others of you out there who feel the same?