I miss my mom

She died this year.
She drank a lot when I was a kid and things were pretty bad. But she had a hard life and she suffered a lot. Especially in the end.
Even if she hadn't gotten sick, if she had lived, she would probably have kept drinking and our relationship wouldn't have been good.
But I keep thinking "what if she had lived?". Maybe she actually would have gotten better, eventually. Maybe I could've had a mom.
She wasn't a very good person, but I miss her so much. Every once in a while, she could be nice. I don't think she deserved to die.
Mom, I wish you were still here. I wish you'd gotten a second chance. I wish you could've been happy and healthy.
I don't think there is anything after death, but my brain doesn't understand that. It keeps asking: where are you, where are you, where are you???

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