Shame of an almost child molester!

When I was a toddler, a female babysitter molested me. This caused me allot of mental and physical trauma and damage. Including years of wetting the bed due to muscular disfiguration in my p****.

When I was a kid, I would touch other kids inappropriately in and another little boy would hide in a closet in the upstairs portion of the daycare house, touch, and lick each other’s genitals. Until the daycare lady caught me...where I was then physically punished by repeated blows to the head. This happened for several weeks until the head wounds where frequent enough for my mother to put 2 and 2 together.

When I hit pubrity, I began having sexual fantasies about younger children, mostly my cousin, who we will call BELLA for the sake of confidentiality. I even began touching Bella inappropriately, but not in her private areas, at least when she was awake. So she as a young girl didn't know it was wrong, and soon forgot. I stopped myself when I was 15, from touching her that is. In-fact she got very confused because for the sake of self-control I would avoid close contact with her at all costs.

To this day I have these fantasies in dreams, and both during and after I feel sick, wrong, and ashamed of these thoughts. I’ve even had dreams about my baby sister, and children I’ve baby-sat. Though since Bella I haven’t touched any of them. Instead I run to the computer and force my self to watch and get off to, adult p***. It didn't and doesn’t matter what kind, so long as the girls look old enough.

I’ve used p*** as a crutch to stop these thoughts and feelings toward children, and it has worked. But I still hate myself for my actions and thoughts of the past.

And now as my moral fibber increases with maturity, I find myself feeling sick and perverted even watching adult women in sexual lustful ways, without romance or consent (even though consent is implied with the production of p***, still...) the way they are objectified, and belittled. But with years of using p*** in this way I can't get off to plain old soft-core any more. In-fact it needs to be the weirdest kinkiest s*** on the web. Or else the little monster in me keeps up again.

Just tonight even I found pictures of a girl that looked 12 and started masturbating with out even thinking about it...then as fast as I started I stopped myself by watching bondage p*** where the man is being beaten and raped by a woman. I imagined it was I, and came.

I don't know what good saying any of this here will do...most of the readers of this will probably only think of me as a pervert and a sicko. And brush off my genuine physiological illnesses as simple perversion. But maybe someone will have some good advice. Or at least some words of encouragement, and forgiveness.

Any way I’ll shut up now

Thanks for this site

Code name: David

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  • Actually, it's normal when someone has been raped at a young age to try to rape someone else at a young age. Most people don't stop themselves though, so that's amazing! You might consider a therapist to help you through this thoug, so nothing happens in the future. Good luck!! And stay strong!!

  • Getting off to p*** and stuff is just fine. Just don't really do it to little girls. That could get you in trouble. Fantasize all you want.

    Most little boys like being sexually played with.

  • i was raped by brother when i was 4
    and i forgive you
    and i hope u seek face to face couselling
    get better and dont hate urself

    seriously tho
    please dont end up on to catch a predator
    just a phase perhaps?
    not sure, but i think you should seek some type of psychiatric help..or a guidance counselor in school at least

  • Go to a therapist. Get help.
    What happens if you do slip up and you molest a child? That cannot be forgiven.

  • forgive your self.
    these people have a lack of understanding of how molestation, if not stopped, continues in a downward spiral taking everyone in it.
    the only problems they found in your confession were technicalities-- ignore it.
    continue to hold yourself back and get therapy--NOW!
    if left to yourself, you could slip up, and rape any little harmless girl on the street.-- harsh i know but sometimes that can be the motive for hope, rather than motive for rape.
    I support you, and your efforts to discontinue the psychosis of molestation.

  • To be honest i dont know what to say to you im not going to judge you but i do think you need to stop watching p*** annd stuff because its only going to get worse..You probelly wouldnt go to a therpist because of embarsement but i think you will have to get some help because you are not going to get over this addiction by yourself!!

  • get a therapist. one who specializes in this, they are out there. your not the only one. BUT you do need help.

  • it's spelled A LOT not allot. idiot!

  • It's spelled fiber not fibber KNUMBNUTS!

  • WTF?!?
    "wetting the bed due to muscular disfiguration in my p****."
    It has biceps?

    "touching Bella inappropriately, but not in her private areas"
    How exactly does that work?

    "(even though consent is implied with the production of p***, still...) "
    Uhhh..... YA THINK?!?

    "maybe someone will have some .... words of encouragement"
    Yeah. Go ahead and spank it as much as you want.
    Just don't feel the need to tell people all of this again.

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