Shame of an almost child molester!
When I was a toddler, a female babysitter molested me. This caused me allot of mental and physical trauma and damage. Including years of wetting the bed due to muscular disfiguration in my p****.
When I was a kid, I would touch other kids inappropriately in daycare...me and another little boy would hide in a closet in the upstairs portion of the daycare house, touch, and lick each other’s genitals. Until the daycare lady caught me...where I was then physically punished by repeated blows to the head. This happened for several weeks until the head wounds where frequent enough for my mother to put 2 and 2 together.
When I hit pubrity, I began having sexual fantasies about younger children, mostly my cousin, who we will call BELLA for the sake of confidentiality. I even began touching Bella inappropriately, but not in her private areas, at least when she was awake. So she as a young girl didn't know it was wrong, and soon forgot. I stopped myself when I was 15, from touching her that is. In-fact she got very confused because for the sake of self-control I would avoid close contact with her at all costs.
To this day I have these fantasies in dreams, and both during and after I feel sick, wrong, and ashamed of these thoughts. I’ve even had dreams about my baby sister, and children I’ve baby-sat. Though since Bella I haven’t touched any of them. Instead I run to the computer and force my self to watch and get off to, adult p***. It didn't and doesn’t matter what kind, so long as the girls look old enough.
I’ve used p*** as a crutch to stop these thoughts and feelings toward children, and it has worked. But I still hate myself for my actions and thoughts of the past.
And now as my moral fibber increases with maturity, I find myself feeling sick and perverted even watching adult women in sexual lustful ways, without romance or consent (even though consent is implied with the production of p***, still...) the way they are objectified, and belittled. But with years of using p*** in this way I can't get off to plain old soft-core any more. In-fact it needs to be the weirdest kinkiest s*** on the web. Or else the little monster in me keeps up again.
Just tonight even I found pictures of a girl that looked 12 and started masturbating with out even thinking about it...then as fast as I started I stopped myself by watching bondage p*** where the man is being beaten and raped by a woman. I imagined it was I, and came.
I don't know what good saying any of this here will do...most of the readers of this will probably only think of me as a pervert and a sicko. And brush off my genuine physiological illnesses as simple perversion. But maybe someone will have some good advice. Or at least some words of encouragement, and forgiveness.
Any way I’ll shut up now
Thanks for this site
Code name: David