I love him so much I don't think I can stand it anymore

I've been in love with this guy for over a year.
Problem: he has a girlfriend and they live together. Unhappy and toxic relationship. They fight every day, as he told us, his friends. He said before that he wants to break up with her, but financial issues make it difficult.

I decided that if I can't be his girlfriend, I can at least be a good friend. But boy, isn't that hard... I have bpd so I feel every emotion more painfully... And jfc sometimes I wake up and start crying because I can't be with him. This is torture. I almost feel embarrassed by how much stronger my feelings for him are than me. It feels like a curse. Even now, my heart is pounding harder just from thinking about him.

I can't even start a new relationship with someone else, because that wouldn't feel fair - being with someone when in love when someone else. I decided to try and see if things would change, but... I had a few wonderful dates with a guy, who is caring, loving, and charming, and I feel good around him. He wants something more, I think. He's every straight woman's dream... Unlike my crush, who struggles socially and doesn't always know how and when to say the right thing...

So why am I still thinking about him?!?!

Just today I met up with him just to enjoy a beer. I decided that I want to confess my feelings to him - because I don't really know what else I can do at this point. After 2hrs, as I was getting ready to say my line, he decided it's time to go, because he's working in the morning.
I'm mad, because I don't know when we'll have another chance to talk alone. I think I'm gonna try again any way, but just - how much longer can I live like this?
I just don't know what to do, what's the right thing to do in this situation

Jul 23

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