Is she gone?
You don’t know me and youre a stranger to me but I know of you.I know and care for someone that you also may care for. I suppose we have that in common, and maybe that’s where the sameness ends.Maybe things have changed or I'm not informed and wrong about this but I know she was hurt and I dont know how or why. How could anyone look into her eyes and not see deeper? How could someone look at her face and not feel the need to know and the want to protect her in some way? How can anyone listen to her speak without knowing her strength is real and yet feel a frailty somewhere in her soul. I don’t understand how anyone missed all the beauty both inside and outside of and around her. She was a good mother, daughter, and friend. She has a way with people, a way nobody else does and she loves with all her heart.I know you felt it.I know you craved it from her because I still crave it too. I appreciated it, nurtured it, treated it like the precious thing it is.Maybe she felt she couldnt do enough to make you happy and you blamed her for it? The reason for anyones unhappiness is inside and nobody else’s fault.It would be easy for me to dislike you or even hate you but I don’t know you.I'm angry with a stranger and I’ll never get to tell you this. She has all but disappeared from my life now and its good I live over a 1000 miles away from her and her friends and her family none of them know me so I'll never know who it was or if it was anyone at all. A part of me wants someone to hurt as badly as she may have been hurt. Something has made it hard for her to trust me now and this time she might not trust again since she has cut me and maybe others out of her life once again.When she and I first met we clicked we were young and single but could never be "in love", I moved away and we stayed in touch a couple times a year. She was gun shy, afraid to commit, scared to risk trusting or caring about anyone including friends like me.It was impossible to win her over, to prove to her that I wouldnt hurt her and that she could trust me but eventually I think she did. Will she trust again or bother to try. Did you or anyone really know her and her past? Do I know it all probably not. I’m angry that people can say all the right words, throw all the right guilt, and push all the right buttons to gain a womans trust and then abuse and misuse the trust they place in them making it hard for people like me who would never take advantage of a heart like hers.I may have been there for her the night I called when someone else should have been I dont know I was never told. She never spoke out of turn about anyone. She was always more concerned with me and my lifes happenings and rarely spoke of things that troubled her. Maybe she never trusted me as much as I wanted her to. She said it was a quiet holiday alone the first in years and I knew she missed someone it was Christmas and I left it alone. She was as usual being herself keeping private things private.I still could feel the pain in her voice as if her heart was touched or hurt in some way.Thats a part of her I’ll never hold.The part of her heart maybe she guards or reserves for people in her life other than myself. A part of her that I can never repair or even touch.Why I cant reach her I dont know. I obviously feel closer to her than she has ever felt to me and Ive always accepted it. Shes been on my mind now that the holidays are almost here again and I have no way of reaching her if she never returns my calls or letters and wont intrude out of respect for her. I pray and hope she is safe and no harm has come to her from anyone. I feel years of a long distance friendship are gone and I'm helpless. We will never meet, you and I, and life goes on for everyone. If anyones hurt her in any way you’ll never know how much you’ve lost, how much you let slip right through your fingers, how fatally you could have hurt her..But I do.Maybe one day she’ll fully believe she can trust without flinching at the things that still fill her mind.Maybe one day she’ll be able to give herself over completely to someone that loves her like me. I wish I called her more, kept plans made to see one another or wasnt preoccupied with my career and business that keeps me away and busier than anyone should be.Yes, I do love her, its not romantic but its with my whole heart. I'll never forget her. I keep telling myself I will hear from her one day I would expect nothing less of her. Ive written this on 7 various websites and hope it helps somehow.