Is this all?
Is this ALL there is?
There has to be more than this.
I have no friends.
I have no life.
I have no one to talk to.
My wife and I are silent co-owners of the same house.
We don't talk.
We don't spend time together.
We don't make love.
We don't have s**.
We don't even sleep in the same bed.
I am failing as a Father.
I'm trying....but failing.
My son is growing up with all the emotional handicaps I had and still have.
I don't know how to stop it, or even where they're coming from.
I. Am. Nothing. Worse than zero. I am a negative, and it shows in my influence on my family.
But I'm well insured.
I'm thinking about it.
I'm f****** up everything in my life and the lives of the people I ?care? about.
I'm so tired. Perhaps a short and fast ending for me, and a clean slate/beginning for them? The extra $$$ wouldn't hurt. Better to do it while my son is still so young. That way I can fade in his memory.
That's where my Dad made his mistake: He waited until I was a young man. He used a rifle in my Grandma's shed. It was messy and dramatic. I'm trying not to repeat his mistakes.
I've thought about the best approach. Simply drive up into the mountains and find a location that's easy to drive off of. Hit the brakes at least once when it's already too late. Leave some skid marks so that the insurance can't be denied. The point is to end it, right? Not make some dramatic statement, and make everyone feel responsible to satisfy...what? Some need for justification? To quote the Police: 'You'll feel sorry when I'm dead'? No. Just, please, let it be over.
They don't need to know the truth. Let them move on as quickly as possible. Please, God, let them move on. If there's a Heaven, I don't want in. If there's a H***, I don't the express elevator. I want what I fear, suspect and hope is really on the other side: Nothing. Oblivion. It's what I already am, except for the constant river of runny emotional s***. I want to get past the never ending pain and get in touch with myself.
Some day, so will you. I've just chosen to pick my time.
Please, God, if there is one. The big black?
Going for a drive now.