40 Y/O Man: So In Love I Want to Die

I can't believe this, I am finally in love at 40 but it is all gone wrong.

I have been married since I was 21. My wife is beautiful but high need and very critical of me, I never do anything quite "right"...anyway we never seem to agree on anything and still have the same arguments we did 18 years ago. If we did not have a handicapped son I think I would have left years ago. Now I make over 150 grand a year and of course whenever I am unhappy or talk about how incompatible we are she turns on the waterworks or bullying, then I feel bad and agree to "work on it."

Not that I have been great, there was a period where I had a few short affairs which I later confessed and we went through 5 years of trying to heal but things are so broken... I do love her but I was a better friend to her and I know I have never had that true love feeling for her..

I only know this for sure because I finally met someone who "did it for me" about 5 months ago. She is a beautiful (to me) British lawyer, we have been intimate to a small degree but never have had anything close to s** because this lady has class and cannot bear to be the object of a break-up. But we spent a lot of time talking, texting, a few dates of sorts. I feel so calm around her, we can sit quietly for long periods of time and I just feel safe and accepted. She says I seem to "just know" what she feels as well.

We also share many common interests from music to activities to life goals. Even some of our contradictions match. She also makes plenty of money and has no desire for me to provide financial security.

So our last "date" was in London two weeks ago. We met at 9pm and walked around, stopping at clubs and pubs but not really drinking much, talking a lot. Then we went back to my hotel and ended up talking and cuddling for hours. I got no sleep but I was so happy! Only thing to compare was the day my son was born. This made her feel good for a few days as well (we were both walking on air--she said it was like the song "One day" by Elbow)...but then she started feeling horrible about it as she came from a broken family and works in family law.

She said she couldn't sleep over it so I broke it off 5 days ago. I don't want her to be involved or have to feel bad if I do have a break up with my wife (which is what I desire with all my heart even if my dear British friend never comes back into my life).

People I am so miserable, the few friends I have trusted to tell this to are all too cynical to see this as anything but a fling. Everyone else at works keeps asking me what is wrong, I just want to cry (and I am not a crier). I have so much to talk to her about, I want to know more about her, there are things I was going to tell her but didn't get a chance... I am still figuring things out but if I were divorce within a year with her out of the picture then I could force myself to wait a while longer and then re-contact. Is this as crazy as it sounds to me? I just want to die. I keep waiting for the feelings, the butterflies, the anxiety the highs and lows to go away but they are just as strong now as 4 months ago. Someone kill me...

Jul 9, 2010

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