My secret lover I've never loved

There is a man that has been under my skin for years, but the only physical contact we had was one night when he called me and asked if I could massage his aching back. I have always been beautiful, but overweight so I was very self conscious of my body and did not assume he was attracted to me sexually.

I snuck down to his room in my pajamas (we worked at a Christian organization together) and when I came in he was in bed without a shirt on. That night we gave each other back rubs and talked. At one point I was just drawing my finger around his skin on his belly and getting VERY close to the waistband of his boxers. You could have cut the sexual tension with a knife!! We were both around 20 years old and I had very little experience with s**. All of a sudden he told me he thought I better leave. I got up and left. The next night we spent it in the same manner, but again I left before anything happened.

Very soon after that incident he left and we had and on and off again friendship via the phone and internet. A couple times we did have phone s**. It was very HOT. I was beginning to develop a ravenous sexual hunger, but he was too far away. I dated a couple people and finally got married.

Every once in a while this guy has contacted me. He finds those nights alone together very arousing and we both regret that we resisted the impulse to jump each other.

The last few months we have chatted, text-ed, and video chatted. Most of the time the topic is s** and we confess our deepest secrets and desires for each other and others. He is my sexual soul mate even though we have never expressed physically our desires. My husband basically ignores my sexual needs and plays video games all the time. I am going crazy inside. I have been faithful for all the years we've been together, but I don't know how long I can hold on. He is coming to town for 2 weeks to work and he'll be 5 min away.

We've planned to meet and f*** each other's brains out. I know it's wrong, but I need to be wanted again. These days I'm just a cook and cleaner and my husband has ignored me when I beg for time and affection.

We've talked about all kinds of sexual positions and many explicit things including adding another girl to our tryst. Neither one of us seems to have a sexual limit and it's liberating to confess all my desires and not be felt like I'm dirty or evil.

This relationship is deeper than s**, but not the kind you leave your husband for. I love this man, but I will never tell him. I have always wanted him, but afraid he would reject me. The intimacy we shared is so deep it scares me. As of yet I have not decided whether or not I will have s** with him. I can't wait to touch him after 10+ years. Kiss him so passionately...I know he can pleasure me with a simple touch. Most likely I will give him mind blowing oral s** that he will NEVER forget. But once I'm turned on I'm capable of anything, and when I'm faced with an equally intense person...there may be no way to stop from sexual insanity.

I feel that God is trying to keep us apart and I am afraid to what He will do to us. This is an honest confession. I know I am evil, I don't need you to tell me. I just need to write this down.

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  • So he is in town now. The day he flew in I met him at a parking garage. I had put a mattress in the back and prepared for a marathon session of passion. He was SO nervous that he couldn't relax. I felt so dominant and aggressive, but he was so not plugged into my energy I felt like I was almost taking advantage of him! I did give him an epic b*******, but I came away unsatisfied, although he tried to reciprocate. I don't know about other women, but if I know the guy is not into it I can't be either. It was a weird meeting and later he apologized for making it seem like he used me.

    That night we met up and drove around and talked. No physical stuff, just being honest about that morning and other things. He confessed he might have a problem with intimacy. I would love to help him with this issue. I almost felt like he didn't really need me there as a result of too much masturbating to p***. It trains your mind and body to not need or sometimes enjoy the other person. I will do what I can to help him connect, but if he doesn't come at me with some passion this will be a short lived affair...and unsatisfying at that.

    I'm very sad because I know he has so much intensity and passion, but there is a fear holding him back. I don't think I can get him to open up to me in 2 weeks. Guys take time.

  • We will see each other in 1 week!! I will update.

  • i agree with anonymous ... you are NOT evil, best wishes to you. Update would be good too.

  • if u wanna f*** him, then f*** him, ur husband will never know. Please update us! ps ur not evil

  • update us ....and let us know what actually happened ....All the best

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