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The Girl You'd Hate.
Since you told me you loved me, I don't think I've gone 5 minutes without thinking of you. Having to reject you was one of the worst things I've ever done. Watching you self destruct is a close second. Meanwhile, I've been drinking alone far too frequently, bought the pack of cigarettes you'd never guess I'd buy in a million years, and seriously thought about cutting, something I haven't done in 5ish years. How's that for being the girl you fell in love with? You'd hate this girl. Maybe that's why I like being like this.
What's holding you back from telling him that you love him? Or pursuing that relationship? Regardless.. stop the smoking, the drinking and the cutting. If you're not happy with the situation you're in, then do something to change it. If you need help, then ask. Be the girl that he fell in love with (she's still in there), and if it's not for him..then it's for you and that special someone else.