Pooped my pants

I was peacefully asleep after a night of abusing drugs and women. Then I woke up at noon and decided to s*** all over my self. Once I had s*** myself I walked down the street and found a young boy. I pulled my pants down and grabbed at my loaded ass crack with my trembling sun spotted hands, and pulled out a handful of warm poo. The young lad got scared and started to run away. I chased after him and tackled him to the ground. It was then that I made him eat my handful of s***. He got up battered and bruised, screaming in protest. I told him to shut his mouth, but he didn’t listen; so I took out my knife and stabbed him in his lung. As he stumbled off coughing up blood I laughed at his misfortune. When he fell to the street writhing in his own blood and mucus I walked up to him and told him that I was going to his house to rape his mother and eat his father. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he died rite there, with me jacking my c*** unto completion. I pulled out his power ranger’s wallet and got his ID, and walked to his parent’s house.
Opening the door to the house I found the old man watching the news. It was about my dastardly deed. I laughed out loud and got his attention. He ran to the kitchen, got a large knife and proceeded to lunge at me with it. I grabbed his arm and slowly forced him to stab himself in his stomach; but not before I had un-panced him, and shoved my thick member deep into his scared a******. The feeling of him dyeing on my c*** was incredible. Making good to my plan I took his knife and cut out his tender loin in his lifeless back. I then took out some oregano, salt, thyme, and garlic powder; all the while getting a sauté pan up to temp. I put some butter in the pan. Halfway through cooking his wife came in and said, “Umm honey that smells good”. I walked around the corner and forced a plastic bag over her head. She struggled for air and I just laughed louder and louder. When she passed out I tied her face down on her husbands’ b***** corpse. I finished cooking my evil dinner. I set the table for one. I savored every bite, and washed it all down with some chocolate milk “probably the boy’s milk”. The thought of him never tasting his precious milk again made me smile. I then went into the boy’s room and f***** all of his stuffed animals, c****** in every single on of them, especially the giraffe. I f***** that stupid giraffe extra hard because I saw a picture in the den of him holding it with his mother and father smiling gaily beside him.
His mother had awakened in the next room and was vomiting all over herself. I walked in while still f****** a stuffed bear doll and asked her if she liked hermit crabs. She looked at me all confused. I smacked her face and repeated myself. She said that she didn’t know what a hermit crab was; so I scalped her and furiously sodomized the stupid b****. I then went outside and danced naked in the moonlight. When I came back inside I found her dead; so I took her credit cards and ordered a bunch of books on cassette off the internet. I had them sent to my house; and for the next 10 years I enjoyed many timeless classics, all of which were narrated by Mike Rowe.

28 Comments

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  • That made me h****.

  • And then went outside and danced naked in the moonlight im omfg crying mike rowe cossette tapes

  • did you at least wash your poo covered hands before you ate??

  • thats made me laugh so hard!!!!

  • Dude, u seriousely need some help. Luckily enough im a professional,so how about you go to your kitchen get a plastic bag and put it over your head, tighten all the way round your head till u cant breathe.....
    and well u know what happens next (one less a****** in the world...

  • Can i have your card, i might know a few people who need ur amazing professional diagnosis & treatment

  • god help america

  • It's too late, let the fire and brimstone fall before the new generation breeds omfg

  • Lol Bravo ! Bravo ! lovedd ihtt

  • THIS IS F****** BULLSHIT! you should GO ROT IN H*** F****** B**** this story is so FAKE AND YOUR THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE KILLED f****** b******

  • ha. very funny but the dancing in the moonlight part came off gay not well written

  • yeah, I regret writing that part...

  • go get some therapy, your not right in the head

  • bahaaaa what a funny c***. good work sir.

  • Lool I laughed hard very nice

  • WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU!????????????!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS OBVIOUSLY FAKE S*** BUT FOR YOU TO MAKE SOMETHING UP LIKE THIS, H***'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU. THERE IS NOTHING THAT IS BAD ENOUGH TO WISH UPON YOU. ID LOVE TO KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS, BUT I DONT WANT TO TOUCH YOU. YOU MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL. YOURS SINCEARLY, J.CHRIST.

  • Burn, in, H***! Mwahahahahahahahah.......

    Baaaaaaaalls to you!

    Also "F*** Tart?" what?

    But really, Nuts'n'run!

  • S**, killing, and s***.
    Great story shakespere.
    (yes thats sarcasm.)
    burn in h*** f*** tart.

  • Dork chop, You have no talent for writing and your creativity is equal to a neanderthals. They had none, for it wasn't necessary like your story.

  • i hope you rot in h***

  • you sick b******

  • This is brilliant..

    I don't even know what to say. I laughed and dead bodies make me happy. You s******* yourself was just icing on the face. :b

    I love this a lot

  • I nearly p***** myself with laughter reading this.

  • Best confession on here breh, I did the same thing last weekend but it was an amish family of 10... I really enjoyed reading the part where you said the old man died slowly upon your knife, I would love to taste his delicious tender loin.

    P.S... I also have a giraffe fetish

  • Charming

  • Yes, the most significant part of that story is that you s*** your pants.

  • And murder is wrong, since the human body is a very valuable construction the value of a life is also pure dollars

  • :0
    My god, hope you have no children...
    Those people must have fallen accidentily on you knife,I have heard of many trafficaccidents like this ;among others in South Africa.I am not saying that you are a black man..
    but condoms are pretty easy to get to in the drug store.

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