Sudden Depression

Well its like 8:45pm right now its Saturday 4th of June , I was feeling like normal earlier and then I always talk to my friends on msn I always have alot of fun into talking to them everyday . And its just Ive always felt ugly about the way I look and that I wanna change the way I look and My life is s***** like rlly it sucks so bad , My dad just never came home for about 3 months and then all of a sudden he stops answering my mums calls and he has another woman and he gave all the money to her like he just RANDOMLY F****** GIVES ALL THE MONEY THAT MOM NEEDED TO BUY FOOD and I have a little brother whos 11 years younger than me , and so my mom got a job it was a part time job and they only gave her 300 hundred a month and then after 2 months my grand parents told my mom to come down to the city that their living in and we came down here and we had to stay at my uncles house and my uncles wife already hates that we're living in their house and that she would always argue with my grandpa about dinner and about cooking for me and my brother while mum was at work , and she would make up random things and say the electricity fee is like more expensive than last months and my mom gave her $100 every month and like when we we're living there we didnt get a room of our own we had to sleep in my grand parents room with them and it was five peeps in a room and they had another empty room and they never seemed to bother ask us to sleep in it . and back when I was just 2 months old my dad left my mom , she just woke up finding him gone and he came back when I was 4 and she somehow stupidly forgives him and he went to Ireland he worked there as the head chef in this Chinese resturant and he also has another woman there and I bet they have s** everyday . My grandpa made him take me and mom out there and I went to school there and the house we lived in it was like the people working at the same resturant lives there too so mom , dad and me had a room together it has a bathroom and I went to school there I was very happy like everything Ive always wanted there wasnt anything I hated i had friends rlly good friends we would walk home together after school on fridays and we had sleepovers and stuff and I was always like I've always looked forward into going to high school so that we can take the bus and go shopping and hang out like normal teenagers do. One night my mom couldnt sleep and my dad was still watching tv it was about 12am , and my dad thought my mum was asleep and he got out his phone and he called the woman WHICH WAS F****** SLEEPING IN THE ROOM NEXT TO OURS and she also worked in the resturant shes from China and my mom heard my dad say "Open the door" and she started sobbing a little bit and then he closes the tv and he got up and went to the room next door and he knocked and then he got in and mom waited for about 10 minutes and then she went and banged on the door and they wouldnt answer and she kept calling and my dad opened the door 10 minutes later and they started argueing and I was asleep and mom wanted to smack her but my dad stoped her and everybody woke up in the house and started to watch and if I was the age I am now which Im 14 turning 15 on the 11th I would have probaly beat the living s*** out of her and after that happened my mom told me that the other night , I took it calmly idk why I didnt freak out about it and I was like chill you know and that I know my dads an a****** . And a year later I think it was in 2008 my dad starts saying this boss from another resturant in another state wants to talk to him and that he wants my dad to work there for more money and he would go out for some days and not come home and he would say that hes going to that boss who wants to hire him and now just thinking back god we we're stupid enough to believe that and this is what I think hes seeing that woman again because she got fired after that thing happened cuz this guy who replaced my dad when he went to the new resturant he fired her . And one day my mom talks to me and said I think im pregant and we went to the doctors and she was she was pregant with my little brother and it was in 2008 and my dad would keep telling us to come back here in Malaysia . He made up lots of s*** and that his boss said if my mum gives birth she cant live in this house and so my dads friend said mom and I can live in their house and his wife is going to drive me home , My dad denied it and he wants us to come back here and theres this thing which you can like idk what its called but if you sign up for this thing you can get a house which is not yours but they let people from other countrys live in it my friend Magdalena lives in those and that mom and her friend was going to sign up for one of those so we would finally have a house there like a real family and . Dad got us back here in April after he and his boss had an arguement and he quitted his job and he stayed in Ireland he just went to a new state and when mum and I got back here I was very upset that I cant see my friends anymore and on the other hand I was happy to see my grand parents I love them soo much . And when we came back we lived in Uncles house , for 2 years and a half and my aunts would find schools for me but they cant find any school that has chinese and malaysian in it because i completely dont understand those all I know is english I mean I can speack chinese and english I can understand chinese but not read and write I cant read , write or speak malaysian so every school they found has all those three subjects and we stopped looking for it and that Ill try and learn some chinese and malaysian before I go to school so I did they found this place for half a year , and they would give me 6 year olds chinese books and for me to write You have no idea how embrassing that was everyone there started laughing at me and I just dont give a f*** and they would also give me 6 year old beginers malaysian books and its just that half a year I didnt learn anything I cant get those language in my head it was hard and right now in 2011 I try and learn it again but I just cant memorize it and so my aunt gave up on finding schools and yeah I havent been in school for almost 5 years and I feel so empty and one day when grandpa was driving me to aunts place I saw this sign it was Australian Girls School and I wanted to check it out but I know Im not going to be able to go to that it must cost a fortune . Everyday in my Uncles house my mom whos pregant with my brother would always make dinner she has been cooking dinner for them all of them for almost 2 years and the day before she went to the hospital to give birth she was still mopping the kitchen floor I didnt know because she always mops when I shower and so she gave birth to my brother I was happy that I dont have to be the only child anymore and one day dad gave us a call and told me "Do you want me to come back" and I said yes of course I do but it would be better if you keep working there for a while at least to make some money . And in 2010 April he came back all of a sudden my cousin drove him home like wtf I cant believe my cousin didnt tell us , Ugh f*** Im messing up all the dates and stuff but forget about the dates all I know if , In 2009 May , My dad borrowed money from my Uncle , not this one another one its my moms sisters husband he borrowed 20 grand and said hes going to open a resturant and its going to be 60% for my dad and 40% goes to him and well he did open a resturant Im suprised he didnt take and money and hide , He opened it in Ipoh which is a state in Malaysia , But my grandpa and all of my other family members on my moms side were in Kuala Lumpur . And my Uncle got mad and so I started working at the resturant and I remember that my first time plucking my eyebrows I went over board and plucked it all off so I had to draw my eyebrows on for about a year and a half for it to fully grow back , I dont regret it actually like it wasnt that bad. But I have to admit i sucked at my first time ever at drawing brows because I had these rlly black dark eyebrows and everyone that I served at the resturant kept staring at me so that was bad and theres always this moment everyday that I wanna stand up on a table and go F*** YOU ALL . Some of them would tease me , I would always go home feeling bad about myself but the next day I dont give a f*** . and The resturant closed down in July . Because our business kept dropping and My grand parents gave us money at january till may for us to like give salarys to the people who work there and I hated working there after a while because everyone is soooo like retarded if you get the wrong thing for them thye just bag the h*** out of you and If I can go back to that moment I would've already argued with those people. And so yeah at January my dad started not coming back home , he never came back like we see him when the resturant opens but he just never came home and Idk wtf my mom was thinking and so yeah dad just stops answering our calls and mom moved down here and . Sometimes I try and hold it all in like I dont really tell my friends on msn that Ive known for a year because I dont want them to think Im attention seeking or anything . Ive cried alot when we came back and I just got over like . My Oldest aunts son which is also my oldest cousin out of us all he took drugs and he borrowed money from gangsters and that I would always think , If i was 20 or something I would deffinetly help my aunt give the money back to them because My aunt would be working very late like until 2am in the morning drnking and stuff for money and I know it was hard for her and she met this guy who has a wife . Like there not having s** together and like he bought her a house and he gives her five thousand each month and not to mention he takes ger everywhere to eat and stuff and she wouldnt have to pay a penny and he gavee all the money back to the gangsters and that like , He has a few kids of his own and you know. I dont care if shes my aunt but what shes doing is wrong and its right on the other hand because My aunts husband died before the year I was born and she raised my two cousins alone and you know like , Her boyfriend isnt actually doing anything thats hurtful to his own family I mean his own kids runs his business a very succesful business and they had much more like 3 times more than my aunt giving my aunt those money was like probaly giving it to charity no offense . So when we came back here after the resturant closes we were at Uncles house again it was like nothing happened it was a dream you know like were in the same room again , And right now we are not living in Uncles house anymore which is awesome . The house were living in is a flat and it was the same on that I lived in when My dad left us when I was few months old , My uncle used to rent this house to other peoples and that now they got them to go to my aunts old familys house and so right now my aunt wants us to pay rent 400 bucks a month , Like mom dosent have that much I mean she only works 1300 a month and she has the car to pay which is 700 and theres only 600 left and if the 400 is gone and my brother have school fees which are 300 a month so its like suicide . My oldest aunt said shes gonna help us shes going to pay for the house and the school fees and my mom just had to take care of the car and bills . Right now everythings a trainwreck . My aunt and uncle keeps saying "Dont take anyone home to sleep" and like wtf man my moms not that kind of person wtf and my mom met this dude which there not dating I mean like he bought our washing machine and fridge and stove and there not dating they didnt even hold hands so like . He never came here I never met him , My mom works as a cashier in a bar and she comes home at 1am in the morning and yeah, Well now aunts like angry because she thinks that that dude is sleeping here because right now every weekend my cousins would take my bro to their place for a sleepover and one day when my cousin was here she took my bro and she was going to her car and my moms friend called my mom and moms phone was on vibrate and he came up and he saw my cousin on the way to her car and he asked is your aunt up there because he knew that she was related because he knew what my little brother look like and she said yes and then the next day we go to grandmas place and just my aunt keeps saying that man is sleeping here JUST BECAUSE MY COUSIN SAW HIM ON THE WAY TO OUR HOUSE like wtf . And now aunt hasnt been paying the rent for this house nor did she give us money for my brothers school fees and its just bullshit and keeps blaiming it on my mom and other people but the answer is she just dosent wanna pay for those so shes like getting excuses from my mom . This month my mom couldnt pay for the car so she was going to ask her friend for the car money and my grandpa just like randomly says that my mom dosent have the money for the car to my aunt like he didnt ask her to give my mom 700 bucks and so she just gave it and then after a week my oldest cousin who was on drugs bbut now is drug free he took my mom to look for cars and there was not even a car that was like the right one everyone of them was s***** and my cousin kept telling my mom to get that car which was 11 years and so after that day mom calls my cousin and says I dont wanna sell my car because its not like worth it if you get a new car its going to like break down , And then my aunt got rlly mad again and started argueing and she was like "I havent paid for our house and I gave you 700 bucks" because these months right now her bfs wife found out so that her bf havent been giving her money but to tell you guys who are taking soo much patient on reading this my cousin has a business of her own and you can search her actually on facebook its heartys ingrediants and yeah so like my aunt kept saying that she didnt pay for her house mortage this month and that she paid for my moms car and my grandpa got rlly mad because now shes blaiming that he told her to give us that 700. This months Ive been feeling soo empty about my life and I would think back to all the things Ive gone through and I still remember that time when i was looking foward into getting older so I can take the bus with my friend down town and its like , thats never going to happen ever in my life . And my aunt would always somehow blame me that I dont want to go to school and stuff but she dosent know how I really feel inside I keep trying to learn chinese and malaysian but its not working and she keeps like they all keep my cousins and my aunt keeps saying that i dont wanna go to school over and over again and its like they think they know everything but they dont they watch too many movies they say too many quotes from movies , now that we moved out my second aunt would give my grand parents 150 each a month and now she hasnt given them ever because she thinks my grand parents are giving us money , before this when we moved here when my aunt was bringing my brother home she goes to my room and randomly says I think im going to put grandmothers bed here and like I asked mom why did aunt say that when she came home and like My aunt was planning on getting my grandma here and like wtf my grandmas happily living in my Uncles house and my uncles wife is the one thats suppose to take care of her and stuff and she keeps saying "You dont wanna go to school and we didnt push you and now your always at home and you can take care of grandma a little bit" and like dude come on are you srsly shes using that line over and over again and my grandma cant rlly feel her legs and she needs someones help when she showers ad now my mom is like going home everyday besides sunday just to help her with the shower and no my grandpas not dead he's still here and like why cant he help her ?!!? and yeah all of this that Im confessing is pretty much my life time story , All the things Ive always wanted is like it disappeared , All I want is a normal life like , I wanna go to school everyday and get rlly p***** when I have to write an essay and hanging out with friends after school , Meet b****** in school , having people in school talking behind my back .Its like my friends on msn always bag about how people in her school keeps saying that shes weird and she says its that they dont know her and she gets like rlly p***** and I just envy my friend like ever , I want a normal f****** life like I wanna come home and I having have a mom that would ground me yes I wanna go to school detention , do homework , and other stuff that teenagers would hate to be doing , And I never get that , I know how my mom feels and its just if only she knew how Im feeling about my life now , I have no more contact with the friends I met in Ireland I actually found one of my bestest friends I remember the night before I flew back here we hanged out at her place and I added her on facebook but I think she ignored , I feel soo left out , Ive onyl said some of these stuff to my friends on msn , And everytime when one of them asks are you in school now I would try and avoid it , and everyday im jealouse of them and I want their life and Ive never said any of these things to my family ever just to my friends and I have no friends in real life Im not going to lie and I want friends I wanna go to concerts with them and everytime I go out i see a bucnh of people hanging out together and I always get this emotional feeling , I never told my mom on how Ive ever felted because I dont want her to think that she ruined my future and stuff I just want her to know , Im fine and that I can accept what Im facing through today , All Ive ever wanted in life is never going to happen and my a****** dad took my childhood away and I think of myself as a very strong person because If someone else in this world had gone through what I had they might have already suicide or you know cry in front of her mom all the time saying why am I doing here i have no friends , But Im not going to do that , Im actually handling the things Ive been through very well its just Ive always been holding everything in and sometimes I let some of them out when I cry in my room , But I just want to keep them all in my diary so I can read it when Im like maybe 30 years later maybe 30 years later Im a very succesful person and that I knew what Ive gone through in my life and I made it , Its just I need to confess , I always hear my msn friends saying how much she hates school and that she hates homework and theres this time when she says that , that I wanna just say , STFU YOUR REALLY LUCKY TO BE ABLE TO GO TO SCHOOL . Im planning on getting a job when Im older which would be kinda of hard because right now in this country if you dont have a diploma here you wont be able to get a good job and Im thinking and Ive always been thinking on going back to other countries like America or Australia but U.s.a would come first , and sometimes i also feel Im not going to be able to accomplish that everytime everyday , my confidence in myself is getting lower , I just want people to know , I dont mind that my life is like this , and I dont want do switch lives with anyone because Id rather myself sticking with this life than giving it to someone else and have a good life because I dont want them to suffer this , And I think of myself as a very strong , mature person , Like im only 14 to be honest and its like everything going through my head is like im 20 years old , I have thought of suicide a few times but then I thought again its just stupid . Im very scared that Im going to lose one of my family members and I know Im not going to be able to hold back the emotion if someone does die in our family , I even want a normal family like the ones who eats thanks giving dinner together and like , My familys a mess . Its like they think I dont have feelings , Thats not me , thats who I pretend to be in front of you guys , because I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me , or try to make my life better , Ive never really been able to like have a deep conversation ever which one of my family members not even my mom and to the people who are reading this and who has ever said that they hate their family and they hate school and stuff just know that there are others like me out there who envys you guys , I was actually going to post something about my friends display pic on msn changing instead I just typed in my life time sotry , well I actually googled confessions online because Ive never felt like pretty about the way I look , like if i can change one thing about my face it would be my nose , and so my friend changed her pic on msn and at first I was like I liked the pic actually because it was really pretty like I mean the way she looks isnt like those site models or something it was lke random you know its just we have a group of friends and there would be about 6 people in the group and she would be the most like the one that gets the attention because out of us 6 shes like the only one who looks like random like idk how to explain it like in each group there has to be one girl that other people like more like , you never see an asian getting all the attention in a group like its always barbie then the asian and then the black chick , and yeah like she was the only one that had a little bit of bleached blonde hair and brown and its like I had this friend which I met first we would like talk everyday until its like 2am or 3 and then she started to add him on facebook and its just he stopped talking to me LIKE I DONT LOVE THE GUY BUT i hate it when my friends like meets my other friend and talk to them and that my other friend just stops talking to me and talking to them and yeah well this happened a few times actually with the same girl , and we have like 30 mutual friends and I have about like 60 sumthing friends like only the ones i know I dont randomly add people , and so the people that I talk to , she like adds them like wtf , I mean come on Im not stopping you from adding them its just like I need at least a friend that your not friends with and like every person that I talk to now she knows them and its like I know she gets p***** when I comment when her friends posts on her wall , like when I comment it like Im not going to add her its just somehow came up on my news feed so like I comment and then on msn one second later she says STFU with the noticfications and like thats how I know ive known her for a year so like , and yeah she dosent like me talking to the friends she has on facebook , and so she uploaded a new pic on facebook for display pic and I got this terrible depression flow right through me because , Like Im average looking , all of my friends say that like only sometimes i feel very ugly about myself but Im like normal , and you know I hate how when me and my other friends besides her meets someone and then she talks to them and then the person we meet is like just talks to her every single of the day like and yeah like I remember , I met these two friends on imvu yes I go on imvu and so , I met them and we like three of us kept talking all day on msn and then I copy and pasted something very funny that one of them say and she says invite me to that chat and so like at first i like was kinda ignoring like pretending I didnt see the reply which actually that I just dont want her to know any more of my friends and like yeah like she kept saying it and so I had to invite her in and then she adds them both on facebook and msn and then the next day I talk to the guy I met on imvu and like it wasnt the same you know like , he just stopped replying to the things I said and my friend would paste the funny stuff he says to me so thats how I know that hes talking to her and not me so like I lost a friend there and when I added him on facebook he only has about 30 friends now he has about like a thousand and its just you know hes a b****** he dosent deserve to be my friend and well like the first guy i talked about well right now , When my friend uploads a pic of herself like our mutual friends likes it and even did I and i also like comment you look very pretty in the pic , and its just you know sometimes I feel so like i feel like nothing compared to her , everytime when we meet a friend we as in myself and two other friends including the one I envy like , she just you know gets all the attention and thats like , its hard like shes very judgemental like I never told her that but I am going to she like makes fun of peoples noses like in indian pics she makes fun of them or like this guy like on msn which we both also know for a very long time we barely but she like keeps making fun of his nose which I think liek its random you know like she just keeps making fun of and say that its big and stuff and that she dosent know that she herself has a kinda of a big nose too like shes soo f****** judgemental and Im against racism , bullying , cyber bullying , judging people , its just like my teacher told me that dont threat others the way you dont wanna be threated back and yeah I never like judge anyone on how they look just I keep my thoughts to myself because I care alot about the other perons feelings but shes just soo judgemental , and yeah like I just feel like nothing compared to her in other peoples eyes but when I think that I also think that shes nothing compared to me too , because of the things Im going through and that I know she can never handle any of those , she would like get really p***** off when someones picture on facebook is like slutty ? somehow slutty and she would just bag them in front of me and yeah I listen because shes like one of my best friends but not my first , and yeah like I have to say her new pic on her facebook does look kind of slutty because like idk how to say it , its like the pics that she says that are slutty and now she like has those pics aswell and yeah , when I say it that she looks kind of slutty like not slutty shes going to say "No I dont" and shes going to tell our other friends and like things are going to get very dramatic and stuff so like yeah , If theres anyone out there thats like feeling that there alone and that you know like the same as me that they want what other people have like what most people have like going to school just know that your not alone Im going to be supporting you . For the people who are weird like not the same as others dont feel sad about youself your just unique , for the people who are being cyber bullied just s**** those guys , dont listen to them focus on what you want in your life rather than getting upset about someone saying that your ugly online. Thank you so much for reading this , Must have taken you alot of like time , If theres a confession like this I dont think id have the patient to read it . Oh by the way my mom divorced my dad . She called him and he didnt say anything and she said , We're divorced dont ever try and think about that when your done playing that youll still have the kids to take care of you when your old.

Jun 4, 2011

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