The truth

Despite this sounding extremely stereotypical of every teenager on earth and very cliche for someone my age I would just like to say...

I hate myself sometimes. But I hate that I hate myself...ALL the time.
I think I'm actually depressed. Or Bi-Polar. Cause this s***..these f****** feelings...these outbursts...
Can't be normal.

I'm sitting here in my room, the only solace I have, typing in a stuck position...
Staring at my keyboard as I type slowly..barely lifting my hands. It's kind of scary..but I can't stop.

I know what got me in this funk...but that's not what's keeping me here. It's something else. I don't know what exactly.

I just want to feel happy again. Not even BE happy; just feel that way...all the time.
Not only half or most of the time. But all of the time.
Because when I'm down, I'm waaay down.
Rock bottom is a very familiar place to me now.
And no one around me has any idea how crappy that is. Or at least they hide it just as well as I do.

I love my life and all that God has given me...But I hate myself. Who I am.

I'm my own choice.
I could tell someone...anyone how I feel...but I choose not to.
Instead I sit here, in my room, crying my little eyes out..
Only to wake up and convince myself all is good and all my worries are...unimportant.

I lie. I self-pity myself. I hate. I destroy. I s**** up. I SUCK.

Even people that love me..for whatever reason...are pushed away by my constant fear of letting them down. But in pushing them away...I let them down.
And that alone p***** me off and upsets me more than anything,

I just want all of this to go away. I want happiness. HAPPINESS.
Because being "content" has led me here.
To this quick-sand pit of despair that is slowly consuming me.
Content has driven me crazy. I want to feel happy.

I'm tired of hiding in my room. I'm tired of being alone. I don't deserve it.
I know now I dont deserve utter loneliness.
But I fear this knowledge will do nothing to save me. Nothing at all.

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  • you should come paintballing with us this weekend :) you need some sawesome mates. WOOHOO! ill keep you in my prayers <3

  • Wow, me too. Everything. Me too.

    And don't smoke weed, that person is damn retarded.

    I find that if I do something I love, it helps. I sing, so when I do, it makes me feel better. I feel the pressure from everyone in my family. I'm the family punching bag because I'm so sensitive. I'm also a twin, so this is a lot of pressure and competition in school too. But anyway, everything, me too.

  • Dont smoke weed cause tht just makes u more depressed, and f*** ur life up more.

    You decribed it, my life, but its not cliche.
    B****** pretend to hate themselves, scream to the world no one understands, and there life suks, and undermine the people who care.
    People like us, we hide it, we push people away. Were unimportant and selfish, and shiuldnt be so self centred, caught up in our own problems. We hate to hate ourselves, then hate that we do.
    Hate to mourn in self pitty. then hate some more.

    Ive accepted myself. I wont change who i am for anyone, even if i try. even though i want to.
    The thing is, ive acceptd myself as a low life failure.
    The people who truelly care are disapointed by our lack of communication.
    And slowly our 'friends' are sick of us all together.
    And then the s*** starts to pile on, and the words grow, and the feelings fall and rise.
    And the problems mount.

    and there is no longer a 'normal'
    and no words can help.
    Ive been through it so many times, ive undermined everything, nothing anyone says can help me anymore. Its all the same, and the only thing you really need in the end is to hope it will 'get better'
    To hope somone will notice, and really care.
    To really look at you, and not turn away.
    To be somone who does not have to love you, but chooses to.
    No words make me feel better, im waiting for people.
    For them to show me, proove me, that im wrong.
    But in all this time te only thing i have is more and more hope.
    With less people.

    I still hope they will come one day. Hold me, hug me and say they understand.
    And they will always be there.
    and always think of me.
    And enjoy my company, and like me for who i am.

    The only thing i can give you is the fact its not cliche. But your not alone.
    And that the only thing left migt very well be hope.
    But hope will only play depending on your actions.
    Dont wait for life to happen.
    If you want somone to come along, start searching.
    Because wat are the chances anything good comes into the picture?uve been dealing enough with this s*** to know crap like that doesnt happen by chance. it happens by choice.

  • I'm the one who posted this and I'm not sure you'll see this but thank you for your words. I'm old enough to know that I'm not the only person who feels the way I do but it feels so good to see proof.

    And I totally agree that I'm self-centered. It's true.
    I have to get over myself and allow people to come into my world that I think is so miserable.

    And last, I also have thought myself to be a lowlife failure. But I'm not. And neither are you. No matter how caught up we get in our problems, and no matter how big we make them seem..we're not as bad as we think.

    You're reply sort of made me see that. So thanks, again.

  • Smoke got me through high school & a VERY strict & unusual home life....then when your 18, movde out on your own..

  • you don't need plants to make you happy. Thats not real happiness. you're dumb. I bet you're white trash.

  • wonder where u got the weed or are u just trying to act cool

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