Despite this sounding extremely stereotypical of every teenager on earth and very cliche for someone my age I would just like to say...
I hate myself sometimes. But I hate that I hate myself...ALL the time.
I think I'm actually depressed. Or Bi-Polar. Cause this s***..these f****** feelings...these outbursts...
Can't be normal.
I'm sitting here in my room, the only solace I have, typing in a stuck position...
Staring at my keyboard as I type slowly..barely lifting my hands. It's kind of scary..but I can't stop.
I know what got me in this funk...but that's not what's keeping me here. It's something else. I don't know what exactly.
I just want to feel happy again. Not even BE happy; just feel that way...all the time.
Not only half or most of the time. But all of the time.
Because when I'm down, I'm waaay down.
Rock bottom is a very familiar place to me now.
And no one around me has any idea how crappy that is. Or at least they hide it just as well as I do.
I love my life and all that God has given me...But I hate myself. Who I am.
I'm alone...by my own choice.
I could tell someone...anyone how I feel...but I choose not to.
Instead I sit here, in my room, crying my little eyes out..
Only to wake up and convince myself all is good and all my worries are...unimportant.
I lie. I self-pity myself. I hate. I destroy. I s**** up. I SUCK.
Even people that love me..for whatever reason...are pushed away by my constant fear of letting them down. But in pushing them away...I let them down.
And that alone p***** me off and upsets me more than anything,
I just want all of this to go away. I want happiness. HAPPINESS.
Because being "content" has led me here.
To this quick-sand pit of despair that is slowly consuming me.
Content has driven me crazy. I want to feel happy.
I'm tired of hiding in my room. I'm tired of being alone. I don't deserve it.
I know now I dont deserve utter loneliness.
But I fear this knowledge will do nothing to save me. Nothing at all.