My OCD and paranoid thoughts

When I was a little kid, I used to have disruptive thoughts. I was afraid of satan, and I would always accidently say "I sell my soul to the devil"(and prior to that, it was "I love the devil") in my head and I would freak out and it would bother me all night.

when I would lay down, whatever direction my p**** was facing I would get intrusive thoughts thinking that it meant I wanted to have s** with jesus. So I would lay on my stomach, and I got thoughts about having s** with Satan.

Later on in life, the worship devil thing turned into "I am gay." Sometimes I would imagine two boys I know making out or having s** randomly, in the middle of something else completely randomly, with absolutely no prior state of arousal .

I always assume people are talking bad about me. Everytime I hear people laughing, I assume its about me. Either my fly is down, or my pants have a hole in them and my ass is showing, or my pants are falling down or that I have a c** stain somehow, or I missed a spot shaving

When I walk out of my door, I have to check twice to make sure I actually locked the doors.

I used to be so obsessed with the idea that my freckles made me ugly, that I actually planned to ride a skateboard while on my stomach down a really big hill so that I could go face first into the pavement, so that the skin would grow back and hopefully it wouldnt have freckles this time. All the girls made fun of me for being ugly, and to be honest, I was very much into girls from a very, very early age. This really, really hurt my ego. Many girls have told me they think im attractive. But i will always think im an ugly person.

When I was young, anytime I saw someones car coming near my house I would have to hide so that I could sneak up on them when they came in the house. Its not that I wanted to hide, i HAD to.

My OCD always made me want to do risky things, one time I almost tried to see if I could jump off of my couch without stabbing my self in the stomach, if the blade was pointed towards and touching my stomach.

my OCD gets really bad, i still hate myself for buying a spice girls album when I was like 9. I didnt know they were like that, they just had that catchy song on the radio when they first came out.

Sometimes when I m********* to s****** p***, gay p***, or bisexual p*** I feel like my dead relatives are looking at me, and hating me for being a f*****. Just to make a point about how my OCD works, im actually an atheist. So that means that I dont believe in the afterlife, I dont even make accidental remarks that would imply that I actually "do" believe in that kind of thing. But since I was exposed to these ideas as a child, I dont think they will ever go away subconciously.

If its not my dead relatives, one of my living ones will walk into my apartment and see what im doing. This is partially because this has f****** happened before, but it was when I lived with my mom(though I didnt have p*** at the time, luckily). PLEASE F****** RESPECT MY PRIVACY

Im afraid to ride my bike because I feel like im going to flip forward and break my neck(usually because I think the tires will fall off). I know perfectly well how to ride a bike, and I used to ride my bike for hours, and hours and hours at a time.

When I look at p***, I always assume pictures of naked people will be posted on my facebook wall. I get especially worried when I look at shemales or guys. It should be noted that I always use Incognito mode in chrome.

I think a friend of mine found my d**** in my apartment, and he makes fun of me behind my back. It seriously crushes me to know that this is happening. I just want real friends! PLEASE be NICE to me and dont go through my things

I feel like someone I know is going to figure out that im posting this and theyre going to make fun of me. However, im forcing myself to post anyway, because I know it will help

When I post ads on craigslist to hookup with guys, i wont post pics of me (not even if my face is blurred out) because im afraid someone will be able to figure it out. I dont want to send a picture to guys after they email me either, because I think it will either be a friend of a friend, or its one of my friends lying, and trying to set me up. I also assume that if I do meetup with the guy and he f**** me, that he will out me, and then tell everyone im a bottom. So with that being said, ive never f*****/been f***** by a guy. Though when I was a young kid, me and my best friend played with each others c**** and a****. I actually licked his p****, and it bothered me for SO many years

I think everyone wants to make fun of me, i think everyone thinks im gay, and belittles me behind my back. They think im less of a man. in reality, im just bicurious, ive only ever been with women, and I want to be a dad as soon as I graduate and get a good job.

I feel like my family makes fun of me behind my back. F*** you mother f******. I am infinitely more intelligent than any of you hicks who had to join the military to even so much as get by in life. So far only two of us have gone to college, and im one of them. So f*** YOU

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  • Do what my ex husband and i did, purchase a strap on and let a girl f*** you- youd have to find one into ot, but it would be a bit easier. One step at a time.

    And OCD is very dibilitating left untreated.

  • Please seek help. Dr's aren't allowed to disclose so you can tell them all this. Write it and hand it to them if you have to. They won't laugh and they could help. And, if you feel they will, you cn sue the s*** out of them and move some where else.
    As far as craigslist, if you want to go though with it, post in another city. And there is nothing wrong with being a bottom. Not everyone can be a top. ;)

  • That was intense. I'm so sad that you're going through all of those things alone.

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