my mother is caring for my dying

my mother is caring for my dying grandmother, thousands of miles away from my location. GM's illness has gotten progressively worse for the past 7 years, and my M. has no other life but to service this dreadful, depressing, angry, suffering situation. I visit twice a year, call weekly, but it's never enough. I get accused of not "asking enough", not "showing any empathy", not caring, all of these things 'bewilder" my M. In fact, I feel mostly guilt now, and every time my "lack of empathy" is rubbed into my face I just want to scream. Call me an ingrate, but I resent the fact that my M. has nothing else in her life, her identity is completely dominated by her caregiver role (and has been for as long as i can remember, even before the GM's state got serious). I am angry at GM for "stealing" my M. away from me. i want the suffering to end, and i wand my M. to recover and emerge as an independent, "her own" person, not the needy, manipulative, person who guilts me - long distance - into "obliging". I dread going home now. It feels dysfunctional to be dragged into this cult of dread and depression, and yes, I am afraid of witnessing an uneasy death, and yes, I want to shield myself as much as possible. selfish? yes; but self preserving at the same time.


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  • When your grandmother dies, your mother will naturally assume the role of someone else's caregiver. It seems liek you are doing enough on your end, but your mother is really the one causing you to doubt yourself.

  • I agree...your family can be very hard to deal with under most circumstances. You can do nothing about GM's sickness. If you at least call then that's good enough.

  • That sucks man, I hope things get better, but honestly it probably wont change. Just try to accept it and find happiness else where. Family are usually the hardest people to deal with when theres a problem.

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