my mother is caring for my dying
my mother is caring for my dying grandmother, thousands of miles away from my location. GM's illness has gotten progressively worse for the past 7 years, and my M. has no other life but to service this dreadful, depressing, angry, suffering situation. I visit twice a year, call weekly, but it's never enough. I get accused of not "asking enough", not "showing any empathy", not caring, all of these things 'bewilder" my M. In fact, I feel mostly guilt now, and every time my "lack of empathy" is rubbed into my face I just want to scream. Call me an ingrate, but I resent the fact that my M. has nothing else in her life, her identity is completely dominated by her caregiver role (and has been for as long as i can remember, even before the GM's state got serious). I am angry at GM for "stealing" my M. away from me. i want the suffering to end, and i wand my M. to recover and emerge as an independent, "her own" person, not the needy, manipulative, person who guilts me - long distance - into "obliging". I dread going home now. It feels dysfunctional to be dragged into this cult of dread and depression, and yes, I am afraid of witnessing an uneasy death, and yes, I want to shield myself as much as possible. selfish? yes; but self preserving at the same time.