Descending into madness
I feel guilty about not making any money and helping you with the bills. I want to. I want to make so much money I can pay you back and GO HOME. But nothing is working. Everything is going wrong. WRONG. I think about it everyday. The stress is killing me. I'm asking God what is up his butt and why can't he help me just a LITTLE. I keep thinking things can't go this way forever- that situations change but this one doggedly hangs on and I want to kill myself. When I was happy, the situation changed real fast- like it was wrong for me to want and to work on being happy and healthy. Now it's s*** and it won't change one bit. This is one of the worst times of my life. I'm sick of being in this position but no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself to a better position in life- regardless of the fact I have the guts, the intelligence and the heart to take things all the way if i just had the right opportunities and the right tools. I'm strong. I'm capable- so why am I made to sit on my hands and wait. I hate this. Just give me a chance, give me a break. Let me be what I am! Stop putting me around these people who are happy with mediocrity. Give me a chance and let me show- let me shine! I'm not an excuse maker! I'm not! I just have problems. I do. But I want with all my heart to contribute and contribute mightily. But I also feel like something knows the first chance I get to run away I will- and I don't know why we have to even be in this 'relationship' when we are not what each other wants. I know if we had a time machine, you'd go back to her and I'd go back home- because that's what we really really want. But something makes us stay together. I don't think we make each other happy. But when I try to go, some weird circumstance puts us right back together. Why? If it's not what WE want? What about OUR lives? What about what WE want? Do we get any choice in the matter at all? That's the issue: I feel like all my choices everything I want for myself doesn't matter. I'm living where I DON'T want to live. I'm in a relationship -of some sort- when I never wanted to be in one. My kids are in public school- a place I NEVER wanted them to be. I'm broke. I mean- my God- WHAT? What is this, what is going on, what the h***? Was it too much that I was happy in my own life? I'm so tired of dwelling on it yet it won't leave my thoughts. I'm going to go insane. Do I give in and just work some s***** job and sit to grow old and die? Do I chase my passion- which I'm too scared to chase now because no matter how hard I try everything gets taken away, I get kicked in the face and I end up at the bottom of the mud pit? No one is ever going to get it. I have no one to relate to on this. Least of all you. You think I'm being stubborn and lazy when really, I'm - I don't know. SOMETHING'S WRONG. SOMETHING'S WONG WITH ME. And I keep asking for help and I'm getting nothing so what am I supposed to do? I just plead to God to help me and no help comes so then I wonder if I'm just extra crazy for believing in something that isn't there. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I want to die. I want this to be over. I was so close. I had what I wanted living on that island. I though I had finally made it. I thought after all those years, I had persevered and made it through the trials. Then, no. I get ripped from my paradise and put into this. I waited too long to get where I was, went through so much to get there. And two years later, I'm back in h***. God hates me. He has to hate me. I thought I was doing good- not perfect but I've always walked with integrity to the point people didn't like to be around me. But now I wonder if there's any point and I don't care anymore. I wonder if I should. I don't what to do. Don't know how to do it. And no one has answers. Not even God himself. Am I beyond God's help? I didn't think that was possible. But I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to quit venting. I want to quit wasting my hours dwelling on this. But I feel like I am not my own person. I used to have an iron will. Now I feel like a Stretch Armstrong doll that can be all wound up any which way. I dread the days. I dread the hours. I resent waking up every morning. Nothing helps. I am descending into madness. I wonder if I should just go crazy and live n the street and spit at people.