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I am torn
I want to get used. I want to get used because I am scared. I have been hurt by my family, my friends, my loved ones, and people I care deeply about so often that it has made me into a different person when I take someone to my bedroom. At any other given moment I am confident, happy, strong, caring... But when I get intimate with another guy, I get scared... and I can't get myself even get fully aroused unless I feel like I am nothing more than a toy to my partner. No love means no heartbreak, right?
However, at the same time, I want to meet a guy that I can fall for, be strong for, but who will also be strong for me. Someone that can build up my weaknesses and needs my strengths. Someone I can grow with and genuinely love. A true friend.
I haven't had ** since February because A) I can't figure out if it is alright to want to get used and B) Because there aren't any dominant partners that are interested in me. This whole situation makes me wanna castrate myself and call off ** forever... Metaphorically, of course.
I enjoy being dominated and used during **, maybe even for similar reasons, but I also desired a partner who would build my confidence and self-esteem.
I fell in love with a man, and he loves me, and he has made me a much more confident person and taught me to love myself and to open myself to love others. It was hard at first, but I did open my heart to him.
Even though I have a lot of confidence now because of him, I still have the fantasies I developed of wanting to be used and dominated, but he will not fulfill them because he wants to treat me lovingly and won't even do it as fantasy.
But I think there is nothing wrong for having that kind of fantasy, even if it developed from being hurt. Just be careful that you don't let that kind of ** hurt your self worth. Realize it's only fun.
And try to find someone who can boost your self worth and let yourself try being the dominant partner too. You will be able to enjoy ** a lot more when you can pursue various roles and have ** with someone who cares about you. Believe me, there's nothing better than being used and dominated by someone but then letting them comfort and hold you afterward. It's even better than just being used :)