I am torn
I want to get used. I want to get used because I am scared. I have been hurt by my family, my friends, my loved ones, and people I care deeply about so often that it has made me into a different person when I take someone to my bedroom. At any other given moment I am confident, happy, strong, caring... But when I get intimate with another guy, I get scared... and I can't get myself even get fully aroused unless I feel like I am nothing more than a toy to my partner. No love means no heartbreak, right?
However, at the same time, I want to meet a guy that I can fall for, be strong for, but who will also be strong for me. Someone that can build up my weaknesses and needs my strengths. Someone I can grow with and genuinely love. A true friend.
I haven't had s** since February because A) I can't figure out if it is alright to want to get used and B) Because there aren't any dominant partners that are interested in me. This whole situation makes me wanna castrate myself and call off s** forever... Metaphorically, of course.