18 years of age and in love 42 year old man(he doesn't know it)

First off true story though I wish it wasn't. I met him when I was around 15/16ish. (Will not tell you how we know each other for fear that SOMEHOW he or someone he knows might find it) I was immediately stunned by how handsome and fit he was. I got to talk to him some more. And I took to him right away. He was interactive and genuinely listened to me. Despite everything I felt I told myself it was a teen crush even though I knew it wasn't.
Let's fast forward to 18yo after not seeing him for while.
I knew the second I saw his smile how extremely f***** I was. I knew this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The reason I tried to deny it so long was because I knew it was messed up.
I started self harming again because I felt so bad for thinking of him that way. I felt I needed to be punished.
I've since tried to stop but I've had a few flare ups.
I have never been sure about much in my life.
This I am sure about. I am in love with him.

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