I think about killing myself nearly every day. I'm not going to, because I know it would hurt people I care about and I know that there must be a way to get through my life without feeling this bad, I just have to find it. But I can't seem to make the thoughts stop, and that scares me. Things have been hard lately. I got laid off from a very good job in the middle of my last semester of school, so I couldn't find something that would work with my school schedule and money is very tight. I just graduated last week and I'm anxious about whether or not I'm going to get into grad school and whether I can get a job if I don't. I've always had very, very bad self-esteem, and even though I've been getting better about that over the last two years, I still feel ugly, awkward, and stupid most of the time.
The irony is that I am a psychology student and I've been a volunteer on a crisis hotline for a couple of years. I spend a significant part of my weekends talking to other people about their suicidal ideations and helping them through it, but I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about my own, because I know it would only upset them.