The Person I Used To Be...
I've been so lost lately...Trying to define the parameters of life, it's so hard & frankly, the more I learn about it, the less I want to know.
I used to be a Type A person. You know, the one who does their work, listens to their elders, keeps things tidy, stays within the lines, best all around, etc. But since graduation, things just haven't been the same. The change broke me, the structure & support gone... Everyone said I'd become someone successful but lately I don't know. (Sometimes I'm afraid they jinxed or cursed me...)
I'm not who I used to be; I can't find my drive or passion. I feel like I lost part of me somewhere, the part that really truly cared or made initiative and now, I'm here barely trying. I wish I could return to the person I was. I don't want to keep living as some shell of what I once was, like the best glory days are over. For Christ's sake, I'm not old enough to drink so I'm definitely not old enough to feel like that.
I think too much about general things when I should really be focusing on the smaller details because those are the things that really make the big picture. I've become less and less attached to things like humans and faith. And the reality is I've got to solve my own problem because I'm the only one who knows it's there. Plus, I'm not going to get some godsend or miracle: I've got to cut the crap & get the courage to kick my own lazy, self-pitying, whining, spoiled, wistful ass into shape because no one NO ONE is going to do that for me.
So, while I do confess all of it (akin to someone who's been loveless their whole life, not saying that isn't me) I am also making a resolution. A resolution to start again (not over, because let's face it you'll always be you so no point in trying to go pure white cloth just settle for a new page) in another direction (praying to God it's the right one this time), to actually try & give a damn & do something with my life & make myself care again. I have everything at my disposal I just have to freakin b***** do it. Wish me luck & please pray for me, everyone; I'm going to need it.