I just don't know anymore

When my ex-boyfriend and I were together, every month for our anniversary we would go to the theaters, and our parents never knew we were together, anyways, we went to the theaters to be the only place alone, he would always take me behind the seats in the very back and have me j*** him off, I never really liked it, it scared me sometimes how he would get angry or just sad to guilt me into doing that.
But one day there was barely anyone in the theater, and we were in the back, he was obviously raging h****, and he started to kiss me, I was getting a little turned on, so I inched my hand onto his knee, he gently picked my hand up and set it on his c***, he started to squeeze my hand around it, til I was forced to as he started to kiss me harder. It turned me on when he said, "Harder, harder" and would let out a cute little moan. But he started to unzip my shorts, I pushed his hand away and told him no, he just pouted and continued to try to until it got to the point where he forced his fingers into me, I was in so much pain, and I didn't want him to feel bad, so I had to FAKE moan, it only made it worse, after that he had to go to camp and he left for 1 week. My mind was just so filled with what to do, I loved being with him and I got butterflies whenever I saw him or knew that I was gonna see him in just a few short moments, but I think he was just starting to use me.
I decided to just break it off, after 2 days I wanted desperately for him to just try to move on from me, so I went out with someone, it made me feel horrible because I still loved and (still do) so I broke it off after a week with the guy I had been with, I went back to my ex and told him that I was stupid and just wanted him back and wanted him to forgive me, but he wouldn't it crushed me, because I knew it was my fault, so we stopped talking. I cried every night because of it, I caught on to cutting every day, and I tried desperately to move on, but nothing was working, I soon found out that as school was approaching again and I'd soon have to face him, did I realize that he had a girlfriend, I never actually thought of him moving on, and it crushed because his new girlfriend would send pictures of them kissing and being together, which tossed me over the limit, I cut so much I had no space left, I told her this and she only reminded me that it was my fault for leaving him, and I found out that he was cheating on her, which got me thinking what if he had cheated when with me? But regardless, I still love him with all my heart, it chokes me up to just think of him, I've stopped cutting because I was soon led to being alone. They soon broke up after dating for 5 months, and she got with someone else after 1 hour of them being broken up, and yet he still talks to HER. Is it because of how far we went that he won't even speak to me? He'll send 3 letter responses on Facebook, but at school I catch him looking at me, and I even find myself looking at him, I miss him so much, and I want to just tell him how sorry I am and that I want him back, there is completely no one else in the world that I love more than him. Whenever I see things like people kissing on the television or something like that I always think of him, and I just end up in tears.
I probably sound pathetic to most of you, but I've stumbled across this website, and I hope that some of you could help.

(Oh and in case you're wondering, we did dry hump, send nude pics, bj, hj, he even stuck his d*** between my b****)

2 Comments

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  • See a doctor

  • First of all, how old are you? Have you considered the fact that cutting yourself will do absolutely nothing than harming your body? Just because you cut yourself, or in fact, do anything ridiculous to get your mind off of the "heartbreak" it won't bring him back to you.
    Time heals all wounds, but you have to let it. My advice to you is to settle down and take into consideration of how young you probably are and how much time you have to live your life. You will meet more people and you know what, if you end up with him later on then maybe he was meant to be but as for now, if he seems uninterested, he's uninterested. You can't force something to happen between you both.

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