What am I doing.

So. A confession. I've got a lot of things to confess but I'll just skip all of those and get right down to the heart of what I think my problem is. I've been in a relationship for the past three years. I can't admit to myself that I'm not happy. I just pretend to be, even to myself. In the span of three years, he has cheated on me. I took him back. He does not/refuses to kiss me, it's been like that the entire time. I've only kissed my boyfriend of three years two times, and that was the first week we started dating. He refuses to hold my hand, just moves his away when I try. I tell him I love him, he says "I know". We have s**, it's bleak and a chore, but I pretend to like it. There is no passion or love. I just lie there waiting for it to be over. I never told anyone this stuff because I'm too embarassed and ashamed to admit I obviously don't love myself enough to find someone who makes me happy. I remember as a little girl, I couldn't wait to meet a handsome boy and have him kiss me. I thought it must be the greatest thing in the world. Like all of those disney princesses who met their prince charmings. I couldn't wait for it. And now I'm with a person who refuses to kiss me. Funny isn't it? In addition to the physical problems with him, the emotional problems are even worse. He makes me feel worthless. Like a complete dog. I feel like a child who gets a d in math class and takes it home to her mom and gets scolded for not studying harder. I am never good enough for him. I don't listen. My head is always in the clouds. I need to show him respect. I'm lazy. I've done everything for him. Spent money on him, made him things. He belittles everything I do. I'm wasting my time on fantasies. Hes never taken me on a date(not even the first time we hung out, i paid for myself) or bought me flowers. "foowers just wilt and die. They mean nothing". For two years i didnt get a birthday or christmas present. Its not about tangible things though. I just want love. Im a very loving person, and it hurts to not have or feel that from someone else. I'm so ashamed of myself for putting up with it. I don't know what happened to my self esteem. I don't know if I've ever even had any. I always wonder what my dead grandparents would think of me now. They're probably so ashamed of me. They had all the faith in the world in me; thought I was strong. A real go getter. This relationship has put a damper on my whole life, every aspect has suffered. I've just been so depressed and alone. I've always had depression problems, but the past few years I've honestly thought about how much easier it would b to just die. My whole life is a lie. I don't know how to change it. I've tried. I always fall back into the same s***. I do love him. That's the worst part.


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  • The jerkoff my wife dated before me constantly cheated on her and treated her like dirt. I still don't know what she saw in him. But, she knew enough to not marry him.
    6 months later she met me and she finally understood what a normal relationship could be.
    As long as you are with him you you will miss other possibilities and trust me, people rarely change.

  • In my experience, women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they won't. The thing is...the exact opposite is true. Dump his ass and find someone that treats you better.

  • you may love him & it will totally hurt but you gotta end it baby...you don't need him...be strong...believe in yourself...you can do better...you WILL do better for yourself

  • A lot of people are in your same boat. You feel stuck, but too afraid to be alone..so you stay in a relationship that has no future. You have to take the negative and empower yourself to make the change. You know that you deserve more.

    If you're not ready to take the big leap and break up, then begin by working on your confidence. These things are for YOU. Start by seeing a therapist, go out with friends again, and get your but to the gym. Exercise not only helps your health and body, but improves your spirit.

    You may love him or who you'll hope he will be. But it doesn't sound like you're in love with him. This love is not healthy for either one of you. Don't waste another year of your life with this guy. You deserve so much more.

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