What am I doing.
So. A confession. I've got a lot of things to confess but I'll just skip all of those and get right down to the heart of what I think my problem is. I've been in a relationship for the past three years. I can't admit to myself that I'm not happy. I just pretend to be, even to myself. In the span of three years, he has cheated on me. I took him back. He does not/refuses to kiss me, it's been like that the entire time. I've only kissed my boyfriend of three years two times, and that was the first week we started dating. He refuses to hold my hand, just moves his away when I try. I tell him I love him, he says "I know". We have s**, it's bleak and a chore, but I pretend to like it. There is no passion or love. I just lie there waiting for it to be over. I never told anyone this stuff because I'm too embarassed and ashamed to admit I obviously don't love myself enough to find someone who makes me happy. I remember as a little girl, I couldn't wait to meet a handsome boy and have him kiss me. I thought it must be the greatest thing in the world. Like all of those disney princesses who met their prince charmings. I couldn't wait for it. And now I'm with a person who refuses to kiss me. Funny isn't it? In addition to the physical problems with him, the emotional problems are even worse. He makes me feel worthless. Like a complete dog. I feel like a child who gets a d in math class and takes it home to her mom and gets scolded for not studying harder. I am never good enough for him. I don't listen. My head is always in the clouds. I need to show him respect. I'm lazy. I've done everything for him. Spent money on him, made him things. He belittles everything I do. I'm wasting my time on fantasies. Hes never taken me on a date(not even the first time we hung out, i paid for myself) or bought me flowers. "foowers just wilt and die. They mean nothing". For two years i didnt get a birthday or christmas present. Its not about tangible things though. I just want love. Im a very loving person, and it hurts to not have or feel that from someone else. I'm so ashamed of myself for putting up with it. I don't know what happened to my self esteem. I don't know if I've ever even had any. I always wonder what my dead grandparents would think of me now. They're probably so ashamed of me. They had all the faith in the world in me; thought I was strong. A real go getter. This relationship has put a damper on my whole life, every aspect has suffered. I've just been so depressed and alone. I've always had depression problems, but the past few years I've honestly thought about how much easier it would b to just die. My whole life is a lie. I don't know how to change it. I've tried. I always fall back into the same s***. I do love him. That's the worst part.