I Can' Wait To Die

I can't be happy. I just got a good paying job after being out of work for a while. Great pay more than i've ever had coming in. I've been on medication . various onesand been in counseling. I've gotten really sad more and omre over time. I know exactly why I'm sad and it can't be changed. I'm miserable constantly. There is a guy in my life that make me happy. the only time I've felt like I was home in my whole life. Iam a grown woman and it feels like my counselor and my mother are the only other people i have any kind of relationship with. My mother and i get into fights constanly because she can't take seeing me this way. Not matter how much i tell her and my counselor this is not chemical and it's nothing after all this time that's helped by counseling. I know exactly what's wrong and no matter whow much i tell people all they can do is give me lame advice that doesn't seem to work. I fear I'll get worse and worse and end up being homeless or something.I just can't be happy. I've always kinda been sad and it's gotten so much worse. i used to go out all the time and have tons of friends close and not so close. Now I don't feel I can connect or even care to. I'm in love with the guy but i know he doesn't feel the same. I think about commiing suicide and have the means. i've attempted twice and itseems the only way I can imagine getting relief. I'm constanly alone except the times when i get lucky enough to spend time with the guy or talk to my mom on thephone. I have been to several counselors and nothing is helping. i hope I die,.

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