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I was a prostitute throughout college
I was a prostitute throughout college to pay for my tuition. I feel horrible about what I did. I look nothing like your stereotypical prostitute, which is probably why I did so well. Nobody knows that I was a prostitute except for my best friend. My boyfriend, who is extremely normal and straight-laced and has had very few partners in his life, has no idea. I've had ** with around 150-200 men in my life. I've been tested and I have no diseases. I have a lot of guilt because of this. I think I might even hate myself because of this. I wish I could take it all back. I don't know whether I should tell my boyfriend - he wants to marry me. I don't think he'd want to marry me if he knew the girl he loved had sold her body
The first time was horrible. It was in a hotel I used to go to lunch at with my mom, I was seventeen, I earned 500 dollars, I bled afterwards, the guy was 40 and had some form of jaundice. We didn't have ** - just oral. I took a cab home and then sat in front of the mirror telling myself that I was a prostitute, a **, a **. I didn't feel that bad about myself. I took a shower, but it wasn't one of those long "wash away the pain" showers. It was just a normal shower. The next day I went Christmas shopping and I bought my mom a bathrobe and some slippers.
1) My "clients" were pathetic, lonely men. All were married and most thought they were attractive. They weren't good people, but they probably weren't bad people either. They fawned over me because I was young, in college, educated, and I didn't smoke or have tattoos.
2) Not really, it was like the same guy over and over and over.
3) In the beginning I felt nothing. Later, I used to have to stop myself from crying. I'd pretend that I was being ** so I wouldn't feel so bad about what I was doing.
4) No, a relationship would have made it difficult. Most of my "regulars" would call during work and slip away for half an hour.
5) Yes. Once or twice a condom slipped off.
6) No, they're not into ** star ** or the ** you see in **. I learned how to get ** over with quickly.
7) My experience has made it impossible to respect myself. If anything, I hate most men.
I probably could write a book but I'd like to think that I can channel my writing skills into more positive genres. Most books by prostitutes/former prostitutes are of the "happy **" variety. I hated what I did and I hated the men that I **; the only thing I liked was the money. Short-term benefits for long-term pain. I wish I would have just embraced poverty instead of trying to maintain the illusion of wealth in front of my fellow rich-kid students.
I won't tell him, ever. I thought about it, and I feel guilty, but I'm putting my pain in God's or whomever's hands and I'm going to move on.
I don't buy that ** about how he'll find out eventually or how someone that loves you should love you for who you are, not what you've done. A big part of who we are is what we've done.
I'm interested in learning more about your life as a prostitute and afterwards. What was the first time like? What were the Johns like? Any particularly unusual or notable times? Did you ever enjoy yourself, even a little? Did you have a bf at the time? Did they all use protection? Did you learn new tricks or positions? Have you taken anything you have learned to your real life relationships? You could write a book about this. Your post shows that you're an articulate person.
As for what to do, well, it could be worse. Some people have herpes or HIV or hepatitis. Imagine telling a significan other about that one. If you're a good secret keeper and you think you could keep this one until the grave, you may consider that. Soon it will be 5 years later. Then 10. Then 20 and so on. Distant history. Alternatively, consider just telling him and get it over with. It will be hard, but better than telling later in the 5-10 year range.
That's disgusting, I'm sorry. But I think you should tell him- now. It's better if you tell him now than after you're married because that will just hurt him more. He'll probably ask you stuff like, "Why have you kept this secret from me for so long? Why didn't you tell me earlier? I thought I trusted you." It will happen and he will find out eventually anyways.
A great moral leader I've read about would love you.
You are worth so much love!!!! If it is meant to be, then everything will work out! Go to God! You can do it!
How much did you cost?
but not saying anything it doesnt mean your lyeing
I think you should tell him - its better now than after you're married, then he'll feel like you deceived him. If he doesn't want to be with you afterwards, then you know he's not the right guy for you - he should love you for who you are, not for what you've done.
how will he feel if he finds you betrayed him by lying.