I obsess over my husband's ex girlfriend

I have been married to my husband for over 4 years, but for about 3 now I cannot help but be nearly destroyed by the idea that I am merely a consolation prize.
I think about this person at least once a day. It's rather embarrassing and I haven't told anyone. She is a fitness instructor and as you can imagine, extremely regimented, and fit to the point of silliness.
I deleted my facebook account because all I would see each day were photos she'd post of herself in skin tight workout gear, stretched into a pretzel.
Then came the friend request to my husband: they dated almost 11 years and he has known her since he was in high school, so I justified the friendship but was still quite annoyed by the online communication.
She would like pictures of him and comment often...send invites to parties she'd host.
I finally lost it, and deleted mine after an argument on what's acceptable & what's not. She tagged him in an album of a trip they had taken when they were together, and baited him for responses as to where they were...which he took some time to respond.
All in all, I saw it as a very mean incident, which whether or not it was intentional, had me (his wife and mother to his child) feeling very left out and not "in on the joke"...I wouldn't do that and instead of confronting her, I deleted my facebook account entirely.
I didn't want to continually dwell on the photos and the posts.
This was 2 years ago and she still lingers in my thoughts.
My husband is an a-type personality and so is she...I am not. I've always been free-spirited and nothing has bothered me to the extent that this does. I feel like through this marriage and our relationship I have had to force 2 people to not be friends, which isn't right but I feel that when somebody ends a relationship, they move on and allow the other the space to do so. She ignored him for over a year after they split, calling sporadically and about nothing in particular. After we began dating and she discovered this, she would call weekly, and ask for favors (like moving furniture!) To which he complied. All the while in a relationship herself.
I can't be this type of person. Throughout this time, I feel that by letting this trivial subject bother me I have let myself down, and changed for the worse by not being as carefree, and being angry over it?
I don't like myself for comparing myself to her.
It's been years.
I should have moved on, and I have considered divorce even to rid myself of this ex of his filling my thoughts and feeding my insecurities.
I need help.


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  • I is about time you put your foot down, asked him what's going on? Maybe you two can lay down ground rule, about her, just ask hi if he had affair with her, see what we have to say, if he go to her place, make sure you go with him, it may not pay nothing to it, act like she wants him back, good luck,

  • His behavior is unexceptable. Im free spirited myself. But he should not be incontact with someone he had an intimate relationship with. He is MARRIED now.

  • what hes doing to you is abuse just like if he was giving you beatings every day and you have to stop him from doing that by telling him to quit talking to her "or else". he may not be beating your body but hes beating your heart and your soul and your mind every day. stop him from doing that. he is destroying your life.

  • You and your feelings are justified. That ex is crossing boundary lines, she is disrespectful and knows it. Your husband is clueless and inconsiderate to your feelings. Moving furniture for her, uh no. If it bugs you, it bugs you and he should respect that and cease contact. Would he appreciate it if you were in contact with one of your exes? Probably not. But you have to know that you are so much better than her. She has nothing on you. Let her post vacation pics that they posted 10 years ago. You can go ahead and post pics from this years vacation. She's not worth your time. If you want to focus on something..focus on yourself and your family and friends. Remember, this girl was his past..you're his present and future.

  • You should not suffer another minute of this intentional intrusion into your marriage. Not one. They'll both laugh at your criticism and say "we're just friends" and "it's nothing romantic" and fully ingore the pain it's clearly causing you. If she truly is his "friend" (which she is clearly not, for she cares nothing about her "friend's" wife: she cares only for herself), and if he truly "loves" you, then she should end the communication and constant contact in deference to the marriage, and he should end it in deference to the love. If they are so important to one another, and so integrally entwined with one another, then they shouldn't have broken up. What you're feeling isn't your fault, and is not a flaw in your character or personality. The fault is theirs, entirely, and they are the ones who have to fix it. You have to tell him -- today -- that he has to end the relationship with the ex. And he has to do it now. If he can't be without her, then he should be with her. And he should let you know that your feelings aren't important enough to him to stop a pointless game of pattycake with another woman. Calling her "friend" doesn't excuse what he's doing to you: ruining your life. He has to stop it, and you have to tell him to stop it. And if he doesn't, or if he does, and just continues to b**** and moan and be all moody at having lost his "friend", then at least the game-playing will be over, and you can move on with your life, away from a man who doesn't think enough of you to avoid purposely hurting you and making you miserable. If you want my two cents, I think he knows this external dalliance keeps you off balance and he likes having you in that weakened position because it makes you more pliable.

    Make him get rid of her. Don't waste any more time waiting for something to improve that will only get worse. Even if I'm wrong about his (and her) intentions, your best-case scenario is that you get years and years more of the two of them doing to you what the two of them have been doing to you for the last three. Can you stand it? Should you stand it? You already know the answer to both questions.

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