We were friends for years, and
We were friends for years, and eventually I really, really loved her. I thought she returned the feelings, but she had to move out of town for 3 months. The very day she came back, when I was going to tell her how I felt (and she undboutedly already knew), she tells me she's going to sleep with some a******* that just wanted into her pants; then flaunts it in my face every time she sees me. Then she starts ignoring me for weeks and blowing me off each and every time we made plans. Eventually I got deeply depressed and told her to f*** off and never talk to me again because she was so cruel to me.
When I came out of the depression days later, I tried and tried to apologize and explain what was going through my head, hwo badly my mind and emmotions were shocked. She didn't care, she said "you should have been happy that I was happy even if your feelings were hurt. That just shows that you were never really my friend".
I gave EVERYTHING to her, I LOVED her, I was her best friend above all for years, I did everything I could to help her through tough times. And she just throws me away like a piece of garbage, not even slightly bothered by the idea of never seeing me again, not bothered in the least by how much pain she put me through.
Now I feel disgusted with myself because she's a clruel, backstabbing, lying, and even thieving b**** (stole my favorite book). Yet no matter how much I hate her, deep down I can't stop loving her, and it makes me hate myself for still caring so much about somebody so horrible. I still dream about her forgiving me, I still spontaneously and involuntarily replace other women in my romantic/sexual fantasies with her (which ruines the mood, bring back horrible emotions and whatnot).
I want to hate her so much, she's been so cruel and apathetic, she wouldn't care if I were alive or dead, she has no appreciation for me giving her the deepest parts of myself. But I spent months longing for her, happily looking forward to that day when we could be together, when I could make her happy in every way, and she tears it all down and spits in my face. I try and try to hate her, and deep down as seen in my dreams, I still want her forgiveness, friendship, love.
I hate myself for being so pathetic. I hate myself for still caring so much about that b****. Why can't I actually hater her?