I've been struggling with my sexuality my whole life..or rather my lack of it.
Its not like I completely am devoid of wanting human interaction, I have lots of friends and I'm well liked. However.. I've only dated two people. I seem to like the romantic theory of a relationship, but the physical only if its for a purpose. Like for example I can romanticize a scene in my head that will give me that feeling in my chest, but I almost never picture s**, the closest I get is foreplay (kissing, touching, words etc.) I've never felt the feeling that I feel alone, with another real person. I've felt a muted version once or twice when I've been kissing, but its never as intense.
I've had s** with the latter of the two partners, he has been my one and only. And its been protected every single time. I feel like this takes away the purpose of it, and cheapens it. The only time I imagine s** is if its purely so I can get pregnant, it seems so much purer and right that way. Often I imagine I don't even know the guy.
I really want kids, but I'm not financially secure enough to have them right now, I will be soon. (I'm finishing nursing school in a couple of months) And when I am, I'm contemplating using a donor, even though he won't be there in the flesh he'll have still helped me create a child for the sake of it, not just because he wanted to get laid.
I've never identified with anyone before until I saw a special about a man in his thirties, who was a virgin, and had no interest in s**. He called himself a "Donorsexual", soon after that I read about another, in his fourties who had fathered 84 children for the sake of helping women and infertile couples have babies. He did not have regular s** outside of "natural insemination" which these women had as a choice as opposed to AI. This was the first label and the first people I've ever been able to identify with.
I had read about Asexuality growing up, but it didn't quite fit with some of the aspects.
I'm not religious at all, but I've been sexually physically and emotionally abused my whole life by multiple people (I'm in my early twenties), so maybe that's a part of it too. But neither of my partners was abusive toward me, and I still feel this way. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be sexual.