In love with another

I've been married for 15 years. We have 2 children. Life is hectic.
2 years ago I had an affair with a friend (it was far more than just on a physical level) and immediately fell in love. We got caught by our spouses within 6 months of our affair. I was kicked out. We moved in together.. and although I was head over heels, I missed my old life. So within a month I went back to my family and left my friend with a broken heart.

2 years later my friend is still in my head and heart. And although I won't leave my marriage or family ever again, I am heart broken. I know from mutual friends that my friend is still in love with me and it hurts that we can never be together.

How can I get over this amazing person, or move passed the pain...

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  • Obviously you still love this guy or gal , you deserve each other since you obviously care for the life style more than the person . If your not honest then your nothing at all worth having , with no honesty there is not love, without love there is not marriage . My wife had an affair and refused to admit it , I did the investigation and the evidence was over whelming , still she lied and lied . She said she would never do it again . She lied again , so this time I kicked her out with the 3 children and sent her back to her Moms place . We have been married less than 10 years ,so I owe her no spouse support or Medical insurance . She is on her own to have her affairs and f*** her brains out . Our children will not have a father , which is exactly what she wanted , all of her lovers are all losers and idiots , I make over 200,000 a year and all women think I am very handsome , and even my wife had wonderful o****** with me , so it is not about s**, it is about Exciting s** with a different man . I was simply too sweet and loving . You must be honest and tell the truth . my poor children will never be happy without me in their lives , but that stupid b**** can have her boyfriends . Now I have a hot beautiful woman whom loves me and makes great money , she tells me my wife is a stupid b**** , she is right .

  • Anyone can succumb to an affair. I find it repulsive to have an affair. You are playing with some ones life, the person who stood up and picked you as their life long partner. They set you apart from every other person in the whole world as special to them. You destroy something in that person that will never ever be completely repaired. I married a girl I dated since she was 16 and I was 18. I have worked around women who I have felt attracted to, just as they were to me. But I committed myself to the women I married along with the children we created through that love and the commitment of our marriage. Affairs cause emotional damage to everyone involved, no secret lasts forever. resist temptation always.

  • Actually, I have a question for the original poster. How did you get the affair started? I'm in the same boat where I'm married and want to start something with another married woman but I'm unsure what to say in case she decides to tell my wife. I'm pretty sure she's into me too.

  • I'm the poster- My lover was my best friend. We always joked around (even before marriage) and one day after lots of talking and discussing the pros and cons, it just happened.

    I don't regret it at all, just wish things were different.....but if you're just interested in the s** part, don't do it. It all gets very complicated and people will get hurt no matter how careful you are. If other emotions are there, then really talk to them

  • I'm very sorry you're hurting so badly, I really am. But (and there's always a "but", isn't there?) what you're holding on to with the "friend" isn't reality: it's fantasy. It's the escape you wanted from the reality of life, an escape that has no bad days, no trials, no difficulties, nor sorrow: that escape is all just fun and happiness. Now remember . . . you had that for a month, and then you went back to reality. You consciously CHOSE to go back. The affair will always seem like a better option and a happier one, because it never had any responsibility, nor was it ever weighed down by practical life. This feeling isn't going to get better on its own. You're going to have to force yourself to think of the affair as a misstep, and acknowledge to yourself that it was only that (you proved it by leaving after a month), and think of your marriage as better than that, for you and for those you love. And I know that's true, because you had the lover for a month, and then went home. And you know it's true, too, somewhere behind the false image you carry around about the lover and the relationship you had with him. Once you stop glamorizing and elevating the affair as an intellectual matter, you will eventually come to stop glamorizing and elevating it emotionally, and then the reality of your married, family life will no longer have to compete with the pure-unreality of the affair. It's a hard thing, but it's a worthwhile thing. So, as the Nike people say . . . just do it.

  • I'm the one who posted...
    the thing is it wasn't just a month. My best friend and I have always flirted and had special feelings for one another for 9 years (it was very light and without ill intentions.)
    During the affair we were together for 6 months, then got caught. I moved out with my lover for only a month, then felt extremely guilty because I felt like I was messing up my children's happy life (as they knew it). Which is why I returned to my marriage.
    However, you do touch upon a few real points. Being with my lover was an escape, it was everything I wasn't getting out of my marriage...and maybe it would have worked out, or maybe it wouldn't have.
    It wasn't all fun and happiness... we had a very real, and emotional connection. I feel like I'm defending the relationship, and I shouldn't if I want to let go and move on. I just honestly don't know how because I miss my best friend and that closeness (on an emotional level). I tried to forget, I tried to many things.. it just doesn't get me over it.
    I really like your points and will continue to give them a more deeper consideration.

  • I'm sorry if I sounded judgmental. I'm not judging you: I know what you're going through because I've been there. It's easy for me or anyone else to tell you what you should do, because we have nothing invested in your life, and we don't know all the details. All I know is this: you and the friend were an actual couple for a month. A month. That's all the time it took for the scale to tip back toward the family and away from the affair. (I realize it had been happening before that, but I only count time living together in the real world.) You had good reasons, perhaps selfless reasons, to "go home", but whatever joy and excitement and pleasure there was with the lover wasn't enough to outweigh the pull of family. You may believe that the reason you went home was duty or obligation, but those are noble things and can't be discounted or not counted. And isn't it also plausible that the reason you went home was love? There may well be issues or hurt or anger or walls that sit between you and your husband, or you and your children, but those can be -- with time and (maybe) therapy -- torn down. I realize that not everyone agrees with me on this point, but I believe that love never dies. At one time you had feelings for your husband that you called love, that you told him was love, and that you announced to the world (at your wedding) was love, and somewhere, under a bit of the debris of life, that love still exists (again, in my view). And it can still be found. Love is worth the effort it takes -- intellectual and emotional -- to find it.

  • Thanks for writing back!
    Love is there yes....but I'm not in love. I haven't been in love with my spouse for 3 years. We were just existing. Our relationship improved after I cheated, communication improved and my spouse changed and was making that effort. Now things are back to how they used to be. My spouse stopped trying and showing effort. We did couples counseling, and little things have improved, but underneath it all, I'm still not 100% happy. Love and being in love are different.....and being that I can't get over my lover it makes it hard to even want to be with my spouse.
    But all that aside... I would really like to get over my lover, i just don't know how.

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